The Twelve Step Guide to Surviving Lice, Worms and Other Parasites

Four little words that strike fear into the hearts of every mom: “Mommy, my _________ itches!”

Congratulations, you are the newest contestant in the Parasite Rodeo. You and your partner have got at least 48 hours of a bucking bronco-style wild ride in front of you and there ain’t nothing to hold onto but each other. If this is your first time, don’t worry, I’ve got you covered. Get out your disinfectant, print out a copy of these tips and get ready for the rough ride of your life.

1. Admit that you have a problem. It might seem counterintuitive, but the first reaction of most parents is “Of course my kid doesn’t have {insert parasite here}.” The kids scratch their heads and we chalk it up to too much sweat. Our own butts burn and we blame the second “no shower” day in a row. WE DO NOT HAVE A PARASITE IN OUR HOUSE. Yes, yes you do.
2. Admit that it will take greater effort than you have ever expended to get past this. If there was ever a time to call in for reinforcements, this is it. The sooner you accept that the situation calls for a superhuman feat of cleaning, the better off you are. Within 24 hours of the diagnosis your house will either be the cleanest it has ever been or it will be burned to the ground or abandoned. There is no middle ground when it comes to parasites.
3. Blame someone else for your troubles. “Blah blah, to prevent parasites you should wash, vacuum, clean, shower and sanitize everyone and everything in your house daily.” Right…. News flash, if you had time to do that, you wouldn’t have kids and therefore wouldn’t have parasites invading your nether-regions in the first place. Do not fall into the self-flagellation trap. I don’t care how deep the crumbs are on your couch, DO NOT blame yourself. Your situation is bad enough already. Blame some other school or playgroup mom for HER poor housekeeping. You will need the burn of righteous indignation to fuel you through the 14 hours of cleaning you have in front of you.
4. Make a searching and fearless inventory of all of the possible hiding places.When you start cleaning, you will need to be relentless. I strongly suggest gloves and, if your kids are kleptos like mine, a gas mask for when you find the 3 month old slice of cheese in a pink handbag.
5. Reinforce yourself with liquid courage. If it is 8am, go to Starbucks.
   
   If it is 8pm, Deva from mylifesuckers has a better suggestion…
   
6. Heavily invest in all possible treatments. Someone will tell you that soaking your kids’ heads in coffee grounds will kill the lice. Another website will send you off to Target for the latest spray. These ideas will seem crazy right up until your kid is the one with the problem. Then you WILL try everything anyone has ever suggested. Hope goes a long way, folks.
7. Resist the urge to burn the house down. Thank god I live in a rowhouse next to an 80 year old man. The fear of taking him down with the parasites was the only thing that stopped me. And seriously, I think insurance policies should have an out clause if you have parasites. In such circumstances, razing the building down to the ground should be a viable option, architecture and neighbors permitting.
   

   Tip: When dealing with parasites, resist the overwhelming urge to burn down the house.

8. Make a list of everyone your kid might have infected. The only thing worse than the 14 hours of cleaning is having to come up with the list of everyone your kid might have infected. If it helps at all, I prefer to look at it as a list of possible suspects…
9. Make amends to everyone you have to tell, and deny, deny, deny to the rest. Pour your bestie a glass of her favorite liquor before you break the news…”Sorry pal, turns out our kids have more than a budding friendship in common with one another.”
   
   On the other hand, if you run into your boss in Target with the lice treatment spray clutched against your breast, lie and say you heard a rumor that it was going around the school. “Just getting ahead of the curve…” cue the nervous laugh and then bolt.
10. Surrender yourself to a higher power….namely Clorox. Put your faith in the bleach. Your parasite will not be in the 0.01% of germs that can survive a direct spritz.
11. Again resist the urge to burn down the house. This is worth saying twice, because  it will go through your head at least twice during every hour you spend cleaning.
12. Celebrate your triumph while it lasts. When (not if), when you finally get past this battle, celebrate your victory. Enjoy the clean house and fresh sheets for as long as you can. If you’ve got kids, you’ve got more parasites in your future and you’ve gotta take your wins where you can.