Listen up. I am sick of you moms who rock the school drop-off line like it were a catwalk at fashion week. If I am coming here, it means I’ve got kids. And if it’s earlier than 9am, I have 0% chance of doing a full beauty routine. If I am extremely lucky, I might brush my teeth. Forget about a shower, clean clothes, brushed hair or make-up.
I depend on my fellow carline moms to be slackers. I think it is to everyone’s benefit to agree to keep a low standard of cleanliness.
Don’t believe me? Let’s think about our morning routine. Waking up to a kid mouth-breathing in our faces. Doing the pee pee dance while trying to fix breakfast for a family of four. Sneaking into the shower and then being interrupted so many times we can’t remember whether we’re on the shampoo or conditioner. Staring into the abyss of our pre-baby wardrobe trying desperately to find a pair of pants that doesn’t reveal our asscrack when we bend over. Not realizing we still have on our slippers until we get into the school drop-off line.
I’m not an expert, but I’m pretty sure that this cannot be good for our sanity. And the time suckage! Imagine all the free time we’d have if we sank to the lowest common denominator?!
Think about the marital benefits! No buttons and zippers = more quickies! And surely my husband will stop complaining about my hairy legs if every mom at the pool has them.
Pay attention here.
This plan will only work if we can get 100% commitment. We must embrace the spit-up shoulders and mystery stains on our pants. If we are all part of the great unwashed masses, we won’t notice each other.
This will not be easy. We will need to gang up on the magazine moms in the group. You know the ones I mean. The fashionista mom who says “what, this old thing?” when you compliment her ensemble. The new moms who have glossy hair and bright eyes while breastfeeding. We need to corner these bitches and let them know how it is going to be.
Pajama pants and greasy hair are the new black. You will be judged based on the stains on your shirt and not the label inside. If you only got 2 hours of sleep, the bags under your eyes had damn well better be visible. And for god’s sake, if you are showing up at a playgroup without your kids, you need to look twice as bad. We already hate you for being kid-free. No need to rub our noses in your good fortune.
Go forth all of you with a notebook and red pen in hand. Start issuing fashion police tickets to those that seem to deserve them the least. Balance your tickets with “get out of jail free” cards for moms whose kids also look like crap. The more disheveled the family, the better. I won’t be happy until magazines replace “Hot Fall Fashions” with an article on how to color coordinate the stains from lunch and dinner. Now that’s something I would read.