We’re back bitches! It’s us, the Nomad Kids. We gave mom a whole week to herself and a stack of To Do’s, but it looks like she wasted it on booze and the f’book. What the hell, mom?
Anywho, we’ve been home for a few hours and mom is already really annoying us. We swear, it is like she doesn’t get us AT ALL. You’d think after almost 5 years she would have figured out what we want and what we mean when we shout orders at her. Instead, she’s all “go do this and no, you can’t do that and stop picking your nose”. We LIKE to pick our noses, okay? Why is this such a big deal?
Since she is not getting it, we realised that we need to spell it out for her. In big letters. On her blog. And then on the f’book. Otherwise she’ll never see it. She certainly doesn’t look at the projects we bring home from school. (Yeah, mom, that’s right. We know you put them in the bin while we’re asleep. We’re little. Not blind. If you don’t want us to know, how about you use the covered trash can instead of the clear plastic recycling bin?!?!)
So here they are. The top five things parents just don’t understand…spelled out for all of you morons like our mom.
Five Things Parents Just Don’t Understand
- Clean is relative. And by relative, we mean relative to how involved you are in another activity. When we have your undivided attention – like at bathtime – clean is no good. When you set your plate of hot food on the table or are in the middle of your favorite TV show, cleanliness is next to godliness and we are singing in the angel’s chorus. If you want us to be clean, go start a really important, kid-unfriendly project that you will be really annoyed to interrupt halfway through.
- Loud is relative. And by relative, we mean relative to its annoyance level. That Ariel necklace that sings like her at max volume? Yeah, we’re carrying that bitch up against our ears like a 1985 boombox. (We saw your photo album. Don’t try and pretend you never did that. And jesus, what was up with the hair? Blech!) That doesn’t mean you can sing along to it (or anything else). Ever. Find your mute button and use it, buddy.
- Hungry is relative. And by relative, we mean to meal time. We got places to go, people to see and we’re like free spirits, yo! We can’t be tied down by things like schedules and family dinner times. We been telling you ever since we came out that WE are the ones in charge here and WE’LL be the ones to decide when we’ll eat and when we won’t. Cuz, you know, metabolism and all that. And if you don’t want us to eat junk food, why you buying it? Nobody’s holding a gun to your head in the supermarket telling you that you gotta put those oreos in the basket. A major temper tantrum, maybe. But gun, no way, we’re princesses. (P.S. If you stop buying oreos we are going to wake you up in the middle of the night every night for the rest of your life. And we’ll never move out. Just sayin.)
- Tired is relative. Relative to your lazy ass. We could go on all night. Heck, sometimes we do. So stop pushing us into the bedtime thing saying that “it is for our own good” or “we’ll be too tired to play tomorrow”. In the history of the world, has there ever been a healthy kid that was too tired to play? Heck no! Why don’t you just go ahead and admit that YOU are the one needing the beauty sleep. We’re already beautiful. Cuz, you know, princesses and all that.
- Me time is relative. And by relative, we mean that you never get any. Ever. And to make sure that this lesson is abundantly clear, we’ve taken over your blog today and hacked into your f’book and twitter accounts. That oughta teach you to leave the door open while you pee, or better yet, just hold it until we go to bed at night.
We’re not done here, mom. We’ve got a lot more to say, but we just heard the toilet flush so we gotta run before you catch us.
Don’t be mad. We love you! Did we tell you you’re beautiful today? And that we love you?
(Crap, here she comes…run!)
– A & G (aka the Nomad Mom Diary Kids)