The Nomad Mom Diary

I'm carrying around a LOT of baggage

7 Signs You’ve Got a Threenager

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Last week I sat down and wrote this post, with my tongue quite firmly placed in my cheek. Then yesterday I spent EIGHT hours trapped in the metal hull of a speeding 777 with my threenager. My tongue has been removed from my cheek. Sometimes I really hate being right.
threenager
Forget everything they say about the terrible two’s because there is a new terror on the block: the threenager. Today’s three year olds are somehow savvy, suspicious and sloppy sweet all at the same time. It’s enough to drive a mother completely batty. Just in case you aren’t sure, here are the seven most common signs that your three year old is turning into a threenager:

SEVEN SIGNS YOU’VE GOT A THREENAGER

#1 – Remember when no meant no? You can forget that one. The threenager learns to distinguish the difference between the “I’m dead serious” and the “I’d prefer that you didn’t” tones of voice. They are old enough to know that you aren’t actually going to leave them behind and so you’d better have a chocolate covered reason ready for why they should “hurry up and put on their damn shoes” or “stop playing and get a move on it”.

#2 – The guileless three year old will tell you why their friend is crying, the threenager will instead rush to give their oddly strange version of the events (she ran into the Barbie car). Settle in because it will take you 14 repeated requests for an explanation before they’ll eventually ‘fess up to their own misdeeds (she ran into the Barbie car because I kicked it at her).

#3 – “Mommy said that your house is messy,” or “Mommy said not to tell you that we ate pizza for dinner every night while you were out of town.” You’ll know you’ve got a threenager when it is suddenly not safe to talk in front of the kids. Your only hope is that your kid will repeat something they heard the neighbors or daddy say before telling the neighbors or daddy something embarrassing you said about them.

#4 – The three year old is happy to croon the lyrics to “Let It Go” right along with you. The threenager pipes up from the back seat yelling, “Mommy, DON’T SING!” And if you thought hearing that song the first 4,298,780 times was annoying, wait until you have to sit through it in silence.

#5 – You’ll know you’ve got a threenager when they start giving you advice…and you take it. “Mommy, that bag doesn’t go with your dress” is one of my personal favorites.

#6 – Threenagers know an easy mark when they see one, and they know just how and when to ask for something they want. I used to get mad when my kid would make grandma buy her a crap ton of junk toys. Now I prep her in advance with my wish list. “Grraannnddmmmaa, I NEED AN IPAD!”

#7 – Last but not least, I meant it when I said those threenagers are savvy. They know they’ve got one currency and one currency only: baby kisses and baby cuddles. If you want a hug, you’d better be prepared to pay for it. And if they come running up and snuggle up without you asking first, you’d better retrace their steps. The threenager never cuddles without a compelling reason, and if it’s not at your request, you can bet that there’s a disaster waiting for you somewhere.

Thank god they’re only threenagers for a year. I can’t wait for mine to turn four…That’s an easy year, right? RIGHT?!?!?!

AAGGHHHHH!!!!!

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Comments

  2. Thank you for accurately summarizing my life right now :). I love my threenager but she can drive me crazy. Though I will stand by my belief that any age is better in a long-haul airplane than a 1.5yr old. At least at 3 some negotiating can be done to keep the situation calm 🙂

  3. Oh my gosh I have one of these!! Mine is a girl – somehow it seems that maybe girls might be more common threenagers than boys. My boy is not 3 yet, but I just don’t think he has it together to become this. Has a male 3nager ever been spotted?

  4. We’ve had one threenager, and now we have our second.

    What is it with not wanting me to sing, by the way? She shrieks it. And: “Stop! Talking!” is her way of saying, “All hush, the threenager wants to resume her rightful place as the only thing worth paying attention to.”

  6. oh, there are definitely boy threenagers. I’ve got one at home. Swiftly training up the 10 month old to mature into his own version of the threenager in a couple of years. Sigh. “mama, don’t say what she says” referring to the singer on the radio, has been a demand for several months now. He also says “don’t worry what *I* do mama” (meaning, mind your own business).

  7. My daughter is 4 & I would give a limb to have the “terrible twos” back. Those days were rainbows & sunshine compared to this walking attitude I have now.

  9. My daughter turned 3 last week, and I’ve been telling for the past freaking six months straight, “Mommy is allowed to sing whenever Mommy wants to sing. You can sing with me, or be quiet – your choice!” I keep telling myself that this works, but mainly I think she’s beginning to realize that the louder she yells at me to stop singing, the louder I sing, and eventually either stops or I just can’t hear her anymore. #LOL But yes, she’s a threenager. Lately demonstrated by the sobbing loss of the will to live (as my husband puts it, waltzing through the room to another room while I crouch on the floor and try not to laugh at her or cry as she lays spread eagle, face down, bawling into the flooring).

  10. OH MY GOSH. I just asked her if she’s a threenager, and she planted her face in her hands, head in my neck, and sobbed, “Nnnnooooooooo!!! Why you say dat abouda me???? Getta me turkey!!”