(Pretty sure that’s Chinese for “pull your pants up, you’re not 20 anymore”)
Like many women of my generation, I have a trampstamp and a coinslot. My trampstamp is a floral design I got tattooed in my 20’s. My coinslot, in case you aren’t familiar with the term, is the top two inches of my buttcrack that get revealed anytime I squat down in low-rider pants.
I suspect if we were all honest with one another, we’d agree that these are things that shouldn’t be exhibited in public with any frequency, despite what 7 Jeans want us to believe. Doubly so if they are on display because you are bent over a plastic mat wiping poo from between your squirming baby’s buttcrack. I’m a firm believer that buttcrack exposure should be limited to one family member at a time.
The day that this realization hits you, you will suddenly understand why that old Saturday Night Live mom jeans skit was not funny. Mom jeans serve a very real purpose in life and anyone who disparages them should be tied to a chair and forced to watch hours of plumber videos.
In case you don’t know, here are just a few advantages of Mom Jeans:
- Fewer cold fronts…if it feels like your backside is blowing in the breeze, it’s because it is.
- Fewer muffin tops…when the button lands above your navel, you’ve got a lot less flab to flow out over the edges.
- No need for an underwire….your belt can now pull double duty.
- More MILF Next Door….you’ll be amazed how much more attractive you look when people are not comparing your style-sense to breakfast food or two pigs rolling around under a blanket.
Despite these very clear and obvious advantages, many moms delay the move to mom jeans for as long as possible. Mom jeans are like maternity pants – before you wear them you will want to delay the switch for as long as possible, but once you do try on a pair, you’ll find excuses to wear them long past the point when your youngest goes off to college.
As the older sibling in the family, it falls to me to educate my sister on the wonderful world of women’s wear. With my sister’s permission, I’m going to share the following series of text messages with you. If you identify with me, you’re fine. However, if anything my sister has to say makes sense to you, rest assured that everyone you know is sick of seeing your trampstamp, coinslot and other things that should be tucked away.
Sister: You want a laugh?
Sister: I was getting dressed this AM and went to put on my skinny jeans that fit perfectly inside my winter boots. While I was putting them on I realized I didn’t have to struggle and “wow, clean eating, my skinny jeans slide on!” Then I pulled them up over my belly button and I was thinking, “huh, must be some old mom jeans” so I took them off and went to see what brand and size they were. Turns out a UK size. Yep, I put on your husband’s jeans. I can mail them to you.
(Side note here – I love the fact that she assumes that a pair of high-waisted skinny jeans belong to my husband and not to me….welcome to my life.)
Me: Hahahahaha…and that is going on the facebook page. I’ll ask him if he is missing a pair.
(And then I thought for a few minutes and realized that I hadn’t seen my favorite pair of skinny mom jeans in the last 10 days.)
Me: What brand are they?
Sister: Huh. These must be yours. It’s an M&S brand indigo collection that looks feminine. Good lord you’ve got some mom jeans!
Sister: Or I’ve got some major low rise jeans. Feel like I need to take a pic just to show you how high they come on me.
Well sister, let me be clear. Based on the number of times I saw it and my husband’s ability to correctly describe YOUR trampstamp in detail, the answer is B.
Why don’t you just hold onto that pair and we’ll call it even, ok?