Not Tonight, Honey

I saw a tweet last night about a recipe for “better than sex” chocolate something, and it got me thinking. Now that I have kids, the bar for calling something better than sex is pretty darn low. Why? Because toddlers are absolute holy hell on your love life. I know that some people still manage to have crazy monkey sex after they have kids, but I have no effing clue where they find the time or energy for that.

It took me all of about 30 seconds to come up with a list of 5 things that I am likely to rank as better than sex on any given evening. Here they are, in no particular order:

The “better than sex” sleep

sleepingwoman Sleep. Yeah, I said it. I would rather sleep most nights. I work all day. Then I come home and run nonstop taking care of the family. By the time 10pm (that’s a lie…8:30pm is more like it), rolls around, I just want to go and curl up in bed.

The “better than sex” stare

Stare into space. What was that? Did you want something? People want stuff from me all damn day long. Sign this, read that, draw this, come here, go there, not that kind of jam, no I said the pink fork, no the other pink fork, sit down, stand up, and on and on and on. If I’ve got 5 minutes of downtime, I want to spend it alone with absolutely no one (not even the TV or facebook feed) clamouring for my attention.

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The “better than sex” dessert

Dessert. Every parent knows that the really good dessert items come out AFTER the kids go to bed. There is no way we are going to waste premium Belgian chocolates on someone who is as likely to smear it over their face as eat it. Some of you are probably thinking that I could combine the two activities together. Are you nuts? I already have enough laundry to do without adding a rubber sheet to the mix. Plus….no shower days. Need I say more? Blech.

The “better than sex” internet

Facebook, twitter, blogs. You people write a lot. Cramming 24 hours of posts into my one hour of free time is hard work. What if I miss an article that goes viral? I won’t have any idea what to talk about around the tea kettle (I work in the UK…we don’t have a water cooler) tomorrow in the office if I don’t see what has been happening in the world.

The “better than sex” media

TV, movies, books. Escapism, pure escapism. If I spend an hour worrying about whether Mary is going to step up and help run Downton Abbey, that is one less hour I have to worry about the 10,000 things going on in my own life.

What do you guys think? Is your “better than sex” bar still high or has it dropped down to a limbo-like level since you had kids?

(Image courtesy of Marin /

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