I’m not going to lie to you. I’m struggling a bit this week. We’ve had a lot going on over here at the Nomad house in the last few months and I finally hit my max.
It turns out that I cannot work full time. Mother full time. Wife full time. Single parent 3/4 time. I cannot do all of this at the same time, and that reality came crashing down on me hard this week.
I broke.
Maybe some of you have been in this position. I took on so much, tried to chase my dreams, be a great mom and cover for a husband who has been off chasing his own dreams far from home. I took on and on, put myself and my needs last on the list and it got to be too much.
I have not had a haircut since April.
I have not had a date night with my husband since July.
I have not had a free day to myself since August.
We haven’t sold or rented our house in the Netherlands, we are moving to a more permanent house here in Oxford next week and have a million things to coordinate, I’ve had an employee out for the last two months. It has rained down regular life, daily burdens upon my head week after week after week and I broke.
I’d like to say that my breakdown came from something really trying. I’d like to say that I only fell when faced with a challenge that was just too big to tackle on my own.
But that isn’t the case and I feel like I need to be honest with you and myself, in part because some of you may be feeling this way too.
Regular life is hard sometimes. Weeks and weeks of a traveling spouse combined with the terrible two’s and extra stress at work can be enough to bring down even the most super of the moms. We shouldn’t be ashamed to admit that sometimes everyday burdens can be too, too much.
I broke this week and it was terrible, awful horrible. Watching my husband struggle with not knowing whether to comfort the crying kids in one room or the crying wife in another. Seeing the look of concern on my small children’s faces when confronted with my swollen eyes and tear-stained cheeks. Knowing that I had failed everyone, but most importantly I had completely failed myself.
We need to change the definition of a supermom. It needs to stop being about a woman’s ability to meet the needs of everyone else. It needs to revolve around the concept of “HER” and her ability to BALANCE her needs with those of everyone else. We need to stop worshipping at the altar of the all giving mother and start recognising the strength required to say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH and this moment in time is going to be about ME AND ONLY ME.
So I sit here before you, bruised from my inner struggle but picking up the pieces and learning along the way. And maybe, just maybe, stronger for having finally admitted that I count too. And so do you.
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Mrs. Chasing the Donkey says
Firstly….you ARE NOT a failure. You broke down, you did not BREAK. By the sounds of it, it should of happened months ago. Whats a few tears anyway? Think of the calories you burned crying.
Second.. GOOD ON YOU. Good on you for putting these words out there for the world to see. So many of us think people have these perfect lives, but it is not so. We are all human, we all can have these moments.
It’s a good lesson for the kiddies. Moms cry too. Moms are human and Moms need a hand sometimes.
Question is, now what will you be doing to keep you somewhere at the top…and not at the VERY bottom all of the time?
Kim McD says
You my dear not a failure, but mearly human, we all have limits and sometimes our limits are reached and the damn breaks. I’ve been there. Most of us have. Knowing that it was ok to break down and check out for a while was my greatest struggle but also the most helpful in the end. Take care of yourself and know that you are doing the best you can.
Kerry says
You’re a tough lady Lynn and you have gone through a massive uprooting. Go ahead and cry those hot tears! It will be a release. Everything is not perfect, it just is. Keep on truckin and it will get better. Or get a Au pair 😉
Jody says
Lynn, I think we’ve all been there to some degree or another whether we admitted it or not. What you need to do is get those tears out and then rebuild. Ask for help! But most importantly, take care of you. That is not selfish! What came to mind when I was reading your post was the safety video they show on airplanes about making sure you have oxygen first so that you can help others! You need oxygen first!!! You need to be well to take care of others, but don’t forget about you. Thank you for sharing! Now go breathe…
Olga @The EuropeanMama says
Oh Lynn… you are a super mom. You are a super woman, but not because you do it all but rather because you’re just an amazing person. I often feel the same way..So often I feel that I just can’t do anything. Days that are about survival, and days that I wish just dissapeared. It’s perfectly all right to feel overwhelmed. Being a mom is hard and doing also other things like working on top of that is even harder. It is perfectly all right to break down because it just means that we’ve had too much. Moms are important. And then enough with the supermom. Let’s celebrate moms: the istruggling ones, the inperfect ones, the normal moms. Let’s celebrate their accomplishment when she has them and help them through tough times when they happen. I wish I had an answer to your struggles. I know this is hard for you- and it would be hard for anyone! Sending lots of love from the Netherlands.
Rina Mae says
Dear Lyn,
I want to reiterate what everyone else wrote and say that you are not a failure. Please let that sink in, wrap those thoughts around your beautiful heart.
It’s more than okay to break down – you need to take care of yourself (someone has to!).
I’m only a SAHM with one 18 month old and more often than not, I feel like I’m way over my head. My husband works crazy long hours, coming home between 10-12am while leaving me alone to take care of our high needs son and manage everything else with the house -groceries, cooking, cleaning, etc. I have no babysitter and forget about even going on a date night. Going to the bathroom alone feels like a spa retreat.
A couple of months ago I also broke down and relented to the idea of hiring an au pair. It wasn’t easy for me, but when I was finally honest with myself that I can’t do everything alone, it made a whole world of a difference. She was supposed to start in January, but with my husband’s schedule getting crazier, I knew that we couldn’t go on like this.
I’ll be part of your quest for a new definition of a supermom.
((hugs))
Rina Mae
Shawna says
Super Mom Shmooper Mom! That’s what I say. I don’t think you are failing, I think you are a fantabulous Mom. Sounds like it is in your heart to make room for some shifting and I hope you follow your heart.
I hope you put everything on the back burner, have a good ol ugly cry and a long hot bath with a glass of wine!
Big hugs to you.
Magnolia says
Dear Super Lynn,
I could never have written this post. You are so genuine and real, and that is why everybody can love you with such enthusiasm!
If being a working Mom were easy, men could do it. Give yourself a break and put yourself first sometimes sweetie. Boy do I have a guest post coming for you.
Also, your kids are at hard ages. They will get easier,just not this week.
Many hugs from your friend and partner in crime.
Jess says
Amen. No one allows this sentiment into the public sphere enough, and although the struggle would still be there, it would be more bearable being reassured that a. it’s completely normal and b. this, too, shall pass. Hang in there. I’m going to need you put back together when I have my breakdown. We all will.
niamh ni bhroin says
It is not a BREAKDOWN. It is a BREAKTHROUGH. When the evidence is that our life does not serve us and that it is not working, tme for change. However, our old conditioned beliefs are so strong within us. However, we have choice and free will. Our soul journey is to learn and to heal. It is the solidarity of women warriors that is so important to breakdown this illusion of super mother, wife etc. I myself am a single Mom also and have had meltdowns as recently as yesterday. However, it is the ‘beating up of self’ that is the worst crime. Compassion for self is the most important aspect of our soul journey. The rest will fall into place. As I look around my apartment as if a bombshell hit it (a teenager residing), I have decided to go to my favourite bisto and sip my favourite lattees and chill today. Choice is to go to your hairdressers or your local beauty centre and have a day off.Have a day for you. Kids are very resilient. To be a good Mom, you need to be good to yourself first. Dads cannot be pampered into the illusion of perfection – communicate and change what works as a family Namaste Niamh
Renee says
TOTALLY there with you this week and know of several others in the same situation. This morning, I just literally couldn’t get out of bed. Until 2pm. So I didn’t. The world somehow went on. Admitting it, talking about it, changing things and looking after you all sound like great advice, which I’ve heard and given lots of times, but sometimes you need to “break” to “get it” I think! I’ve been writing about “superwoman syndrome” on my blog….though with everything to juggle haven’t even finished it! So good on you for taking the time to write about it. Hang in there, we all think you’re awesome and this is a totally “normal” part of the pressures us “modern mums” have to deal with. (boy a lot of “””” in my comment) Hope you have a restful weekend. xx
Medrith says
Aw, sweety. You are not alone.
When you are faced with this type of thing, always remember that there are people who care about you, and are willing to be your minions in helping you appear super, while still getting to take care of you.
❤️We are here for you.
Kris says
Lyn, who balances life and laughter for all of us who follow and for those who abide within. Thank you. Your words made me tear up a bit. Even after 26 years of marriage and kids who are grown and mostly gone, I rarely remember to think of myself first. This summer (and a part of the last), I am ..sort of. I am spending it at my mom’s house far away from the rest of the world. I’m busy working (which is a whole blog post in itself) and it is not anywhere close to a vacation, but I am alone. It is very scary. And if I can figure out how to fix a toilet, I’ll be REALLY super!
Jill says
It’s so funny (well not funny but you know) to me that you wrote this over a year ago and this is exactly how I fee right now.