The fallacy of a holiday known as “Mother’s Day” is coming up. I say fallacy because my husband has never done anything to celebrate my role in bringing children into our lives….although I am not sure if that is because he doesn’t do holidays or because the kids are a giant gift that keeps on sucking. Since I know with 100% certainty that I am not getting a mother’s day present, I am free to invent an impossible present that I’d like to receive without any worry of disappointment from a lesser gift.
This year I have decided that I want to eat at mom’s for mother’s day. No silly, not my mom (with what I’ve got in mind, I’d slap my own face for asking this of her). I’d like to be able to go to a restaurant and pay good money to get the full mommy treatment my kids regularly receive. Not sure what I mean? Let me describe how this would go.
“Good evening and welcome to Mom’s. Here is your table.”
“I don’t want this table. I want to sit on the couch and watch a movie. No, not that couch. No, a different movie. YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG! Why doesn’t that movie work anymore? TURN ON THE MOVIE! Waaaaaahhhhhhhhh. I want to sit on your lap.”
“Ok Madame, are you comfortable now? Tonight at Mom’s we are serving your favorite, pizza margherita!”
“Pizza?! Bleh! I don’t like pizza. I want pasta.”
“Ma’am, your husband phoned in advance and told us specifically that pizza was your favorite. We don’t have anything else.”
“I WANT PASTA! GREEN PASTA! Waaaaaaahhhhh! Carry me to the kitchen!”
“Right, very good. Here we are in the kitchen. Please sit down here on the counter while I cook your pasta.”
“I want cookies! Where’s my wine? I WANT RED WINE! I NEED SNACKS!”
“Here is a complimentary basket of bread and butter spreads. And let me pour your wine. Your pasta will be ready in just a moment.”
“I don’t like that plate! I want a blue plate! No, don’t put the pasta on the plate that way. DON’T CUT IT! Waaaaaaaaahhhhhh. I need to sit in your lap again. Feed me, I can’t do it myself.”
I could go on and on and on….but seriously, how nice and refreshing would it be to spend an evening as the kid, but be in a nice restaurant that you would actually want to visit? Imagine the freedom of being able to bitch loudly and repeatedly about everything and have your ever whim catered to by smiling staff. Wouldn’t that be AMAZING?
So that is what I would like for Mother’s Day this year. I need to do it asap before my kids outgrow this stage and I forget how bad/good it is. Wait, hahahahahahahahahha, for a second there I imagined that my kids might outgrow their bitchy, demanding, exacting natures. HAHAHAHAHA.
What are the rest of you craving?