I saw a tweet last night about a recipe for “better than sex” chocolate something, and it got me thinking. Now that I have kids, the bar for calling something better than sex is pretty darn low. Why? Because toddlers are absolute holy hell on your love life. I know that some people still manage to have crazy monkey sex after they have kids, but I have no effing clue where they find the time or energy for that.
It took me all of about 30 seconds to come up with a list of 5 things that I am likely to rank as better than sex on any given evening. Here they are, in no particular order:
The “better than sex” sleep
Sleep. Yeah, I said it. I would rather sleep most nights. I work all day. Then I come home and run nonstop taking care of the family. By the time 10pm (that’s a lie…8:30pm is more like it), rolls around, I just want to go and curl up in bed.
The “better than sex” stare
Stare into space. What was that? Did you want something? People want stuff from me all damn day long. Sign this, read that, draw this, come here, go there, not that kind of jam, no I said the pink fork, no the other pink fork, sit down, stand up, and on and on and on. If I’ve got 5 minutes of downtime, I want to spend it alone with absolutely no one (not even the TV or facebook feed) clamouring for my attention.
The “better than sex” dessert
Dessert. Every parent knows that the really good dessert items come out AFTER the kids go to bed. There is no way we are going to waste premium Belgian chocolates on someone who is as likely to smear it over their face as eat it. Some of you are probably thinking that I could combine the two activities together. Are you nuts? I already have enough laundry to do without adding a rubber sheet to the mix. Plus….no shower days. Need I say more? Blech.
The “better than sex” internet
Facebook, twitter, blogs. You people write a lot. Cramming 24 hours of posts into my one hour of free time is hard work. What if I miss an article that goes viral? I won’t have any idea what to talk about around the water cooler tomorrow in the office if I don’t see what has been happening in the world.
The “better than sex” media
TV, movies, books. Escapism, pure escapism. If I spend an hour worrying about whether Mary is going to step up and help run Downton Abbey, that is one less hour I have to worry about the 10,000 things going on in my own life.
What do you guys think? Is your “better than sex” bar still high or has it dropped down to a limbo-like level since you had kids?
(Image courtesy of Marin / FreeDigitalPhotos.net)
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Jess says
Recently a friend asked me if I wanted to rent a hotel room and sleep with her. In previous stages of my life, I would have taken it very differently and maybe said yes, but nowadays, I knew immediately what she meant: just us, king sized bed, room service, eye masks, room service. We would literally SLEEP together, and spend the better part of 24 hours in bed doing nothing that burned more than a couple calories per hour.
Sleep is high on my list, and of course dessert. And trashy TV. We’re sisters from a different mister…
Mrs. Chasing the Donkey says
I’ll take some of that better than sex sleep if you ever find out how to do it. Like you I parent alone a lot!!! I just told my husband today who is home on Friday after 3 weeks abroad that I will be sleeping all afternoon as soon as he lands!
Meredith from Penelope Loves Lists says
New reader here (found you when a friend of mine on FB “liked” one of your posts) and loving your blog. My son is 2 and boy do I understand the desire to just sit and read uninterrupted. No, just sit and do ANYTHING without someone needing me.
I love my family and my job and my life overall, 100% but sometimes I just need a moment, you know? Just. One. Minute.
Jem says
1-5 is pretty much just sleep for me. I would do anything to get some sleep right now. Except possibly having sex, cba for that…
Pamela says
Oh, hells no. There are few things I’d rather be doing than getting busy. Seriously, my monkey sex drive rivals that of an 18 year old boy!
ML says
Speaking of crazy monkey sex…I just had some last night. First time in….well, probably months. We don’t do it often. My husband doesn’t even expect me to shave my legs anymore. I was loosened up a bit by girl’s night out, and a bit of alcohol. Did not get to sleep until after 1 am, and had to be up at 630 with the kids. Needless to say, I asked nicely, and the hubs took the kids to school, while I made coffee and took aspirin. 🙂 So, Better than sex sleep is on my to do list for tonight!!
Ashley says
i don’t know– a deep tissue massage might rank higher for me. I think I hurt my husbands feelings when I told him a deep tissue massage tops the list for me… Haha. They have pop up shops in the mall for $1/minute…..and they are FANTASTIC.