THE SEARCH FOR A MOMKINI

Every year the Nomad family and I pack up and head to the beach in Italy for a vacation. Before you all start screaming at the screen in jealousy, let me set the scene for you: we spend our whole vacay with my in-law’s, sleep in separate twin beds with the door open (or else swelter from lack of a/c) and the downstairs neighbor comes up at least once per year to bitch at us for being too loud. Should any part of that sound remotely pleasant, please feel free to return to your screaming.

So anyways, like every other mom in the world, I agonize for the few weeks leading up to our vacation over having to put on a swimsuit. Going to Italy just makes it that much worse, not because everyone is super skinny and tan (although most are…bitches) but because everyone, and I do mean EVERYONE, wears a bikini.

It is as though there is a sign at customs that says “All one-piece swimsuits, halt here!” From kids playing in only swimsuit bottoms to twenty-somethings strutting down the beach to the 80 year old nonnas watching over the grandkids all the way over to the scary man whose ginormous belly is only accentuated by his tiny speedos and skinny chicken legs – everyone is letting it all hang out.

I could wear a one-piece, but that honestly attracts more attention than my fat butt would in a thong. Why not go for a tankini, you ask? Equally unacceptable. As far as the Italians are concerned, anything less than a bikini might as well be a burka.

Today I had to face the music – I either need to starve myself for the next three weeks or else find a bikini with a high enough waist to cover up the bulge. Off I went to the shops on a fruitless hunt. Why aren’t there bikinis for moms?

You know what I want? I want someone to invent a line of swimsuits called the Momkini. Take any vintage swimsuit pattern (like this one from ebay), throw a spanx panel in the front, put a little frill on the side to draw attention away from the thunder thighs and give me a top that will put the “girls” out there on display. Sounds pretty good, right? Whatever you do, don’t forget the SPANX! That is the secret ingredient in our momkini magic.

When you have it made, I want to see a major advertising campaign starring Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. Can’t you just see it now – Tina Fey staring into the camera saying, “The Momkini – turns baby mamas into beach bombshells”.

Alright readers, someone get out there and make this happen. I promise a free review post and promotion to anyone who will make and send me a momkini.