THE PUSH PRESENT

Who here got a push present? Don’t nod your head or raise your hand. Step up and leave a comment telling me what you got. Why? BECAUSE I DIDN’T GET ONE and now I am pissed. (And yes, my kids are 2 and 4….I’m still pissed. There’s no deadline on those sorts of things.)

The push present has to be one of the greatest marketing ideas ever invented. Because it makes perfect sense. I cart this damn kid around for 9+ months and then labor (I mean labor like sit in pain for hours, sweat, get the chills, have massive heart burn, shit myself and then push a GIGANTIC head and the rest of the kid’s body out of the pleasure hole….proper toiling away kind of labor) to give you a kid. The least you could give me is an overly expensive piece of jewelry or a new car. Right? Who’s with me on this?

What I want to know is why the expectant mother books and childbirth courses don’t cover this? Are they worried about offending someone, and if so, WHO? This seems like something that should be covered in between packing the hospital bag and breathing techniques. They could just slip in a couple of slides showing expensive tennis bracelets and include a Tiffany’s catalog in the middle of the childbirth guidebook. It would be easy!

And where is TV and the movies? I was just reading examples of celebrity push presents (I recommend skipping that article unless you want your head to explode). Hollywood clearly knows they exist, but they aren’t giving them the attention that they deserve. Tina Fey – can you not write a halfway decent “average person” push present into one of your scripts?

Some husbands even labor under the mistaken impression that the kid is the push present! Have you ever heard anything so ridiculous in your life? On what planet is a needy, crying, shitting person a gift to the person who will be kept up around the clock?

I am asking you all to join me in my efforts to legitimize the push present. Here is how you can help. If you have a friend that is expecting, ask her husband what he is buying as a push present. Don’t do it in front of her where he can turn it into a joke. Pull him aside and make him feel really shitty if he doesn’t have a good answer. Next, when you hear someone who got a good gift, bring it up in mixed-sex outings. The more you can show that other people are doing it, the higher the likelihood that our partners will remove their heads from their collective asses.

So say it with me now people, “Papas buy push presents. Papas buy push presents. Papas buy push presents.” And partners, just remember – it is never too late to do the right thing.