Have you ever gone to a new playgroup and felt like everyone there was speaking in code? Don’t fret, you just need to learn the latest mommy lingo. Memorise a few of the terms in this handy guide, throw them into the conversation and you’ll be one of the girls in no time.
Your Guide to the Secret Mom Code
Code word for “Come and save me from this house”. If there were an actual bat symbol for moms, it would be a giant wineglass projected into the sky. And it would act like a homing signal for every mom in a 3 mile radius. And they’d all bring booze. And chocolate.
Prior to giving birth, your fat pants were a single old pair of jeans two sizes too large. Post-baby, the term “fat pants” encompasses your entire pregnancy wardrobe and acts as a permission slip to wear them long, long after the baby is born.
Mom’s Night Out
A two to three hour window in which moms pound down as much alcohol and desserts as possible before heading home for a 10pm bedtime.
Wine, beer, hard liquor. Take your pick. To keep from having to explain why Little Tommy can’t have any of it, we call it Mommy Juice.
Some combination of yoga pants or leggings, tee shirt or tank and a huge sweater or sweatshirt. It is universally acceptable to wear this outfit to any event that will be attended by other moms. If you wear something nicer, don’t be surprised if you are ostracised from the group. Nobody likes an over-achiever.
No Shower Day. Actually, make that Days. The “every other day” shower routine is something most of us only aspire to.
Code word for “Come over and gossip with me while we ignore our kids together”. I highly recommend combining this word with mommy juice and fat pants.
A fruitless exercise parents undertake in an effort to try and convince themselves that they have any control over their child’s development. This is exclusively used by first time parents. By the second time around, parents know that they have no control over anything. Therefore, if you want to seem like you are really in the know, giggle whenever someone mentions that they are potty training Little Tommy.
A boot camp type experience where you train your own body to work around your child’s sleep patterns.
Code for “my baby is being a giant arse and I have no idea why”. Feel free to use this word to explain away any questionable or poor behaviour your baby or toddler exhibits.
Your leg hair in the winter months. As soon as the temperatures drop, moms shift their 5 shaving minutes back into the pee time category and commence growing their winter coat instead. Because really, after your partner has seen you squeeze a giant head out of your nether-regions, leg hair is the least of your worries.
Stay tuned for the next edition of the Secret Mom Code…