Secret Mom Code

Have you ever gone to a new playgroup and felt like everyone there was speaking in code? Don’t fret, you just need to learn the latest mommy lingo. Memorise a few of the terms in this handy guide, throw them into the conversation and you’ll be one of the girls in no time.

Your Guide to the Secret Mom Code

bat-signal

Bat Symbol

Code word for “Come and save me from this house”. If there were an actual bat symbol for moms, it would be a giant wineglass projected into the sky. And it would act like a homing signal for every mom in a 3 mile radius. And they’d all bring booze. And chocolate.

Fat Pants

Prior to giving birth, your fat pants were a single old pair of jeans two sizes too large. Post-baby, the term “fat pants” encompasses your entire pregnancy wardrobe and acts as a permission slip to wear them long, long after the baby is born.

Mom’s Night Out

A two to three hour window in which moms pound down as much alcohol and desserts as possible before heading home for a 10pm bedtime.

If I call it mommy juice, does that mean I can have a glass at breakfast?

Mommy Juice

Wine, beer, hard liquor. Take your pick. To keep from having to explain why Little Tommy can’t have any of it, we call it Mommy Juice.

Mommy Uniform

Some combination of yoga pants or leggings, tee shirt or tank and a huge sweater or sweatshirt. It is universally acceptable to wear this outfit to any event that will be attended by other moms. If you wear something nicer, don’t be surprised if you are ostracised from the group. Nobody likes an over-achiever.

NSD

No Shower Day. Actually, make that Days. The “every other day” shower routine is something most of us only aspire to.

Playdate

Code word for “Come over and gossip with me while we ignore our kids together”. I highly recommend combining this word with mommy juice and fat pants.

Potty training never works

Potty Training

A fruitless exercise parents undertake in an effort to try and convince themselves that they have any control over their child’s development. This is exclusively used by first time parents. By the second time around, parents know that they have no control over anything. Therefore, if you want to seem like you are really in the know, giggle whenever someone mentions that they are potty training Little Tommy.

Sleep Training

A boot camp type experience where you train your own body to work around your child’s sleep patterns.

Teething

Code for “my baby is being a giant arse and I have no idea why”. Feel free to use this word to explain away any questionable or poor behaviour your baby or toddler exhibits.

Winter Coat

Your leg hair in the winter months. As soon as the temperatures drop, moms shift their 5 shaving minutes back into the pee time category and commence growing their winter coat instead. Because really, after your partner has seen you squeeze a giant head out of your nether-regions, leg hair is the least of your worries.

Stay tuned for the next edition of the Secret Mom Code…

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9 Thoughts on “Secret Mom Code

  1. Freaking brilliant. Also packed pair of maternity pants for farm trip. My youngest is 3+years….

  2. You are hilarious! I am going to have to spend a few hours scrolling through your posts, even if it means not showering.

  3. Ah yes! These are all so true. I so did not want to be that Mum who never showered…but here I am un showered and with a glass of Vodka. Whhhooops.
    Mrs. Chasing the Donkey recently posted…Let’s make sauerkraut {kiseli kupus}My Profile

  4. Back when I still did playdates where the other mother had to stay and supervise her evil toddler, I had an early test to see if the person was friendship material. If it was a civilized time past 12, like say, 12:03 I would offer her a real drink. If she said “Hell ya” then we could be friends. If she whipped out her own flask and offered to share then she moved to BFF immediately.
    Loved this post.
    Magnolia Ripkin recently posted…Fat women can’t dance?My Profile

  5. This is so true! It is wonderful to see someone blog what others only think about! Someday maybe I will pull up my fat pants and start sharing some of the random thoughts I have too! Thanks for blazing the way and sharing first!

  6. I have missed a trick because I live somewhere with no winter months. Humph.

    On the other hand, I have also recently discovered you can use the “teething” excuse again once they hit five years old, and I’m hoping to spin it out for a good half a decade. Then I’m thinking I’ll use “hormones” until they leave home. Then I’m not sure.

    I also don’t know how to explain the 3-5 year age group yet, so, any tips?
    Bronwyn Joy recently posted…Children and Squat Toilets: Everything you ever wanted to know and a whole stack of things you probably didn’tMy Profile

  7. Pingback: amee-dsouza.com » BLOW YOUR OWN BLOGHORN (10 jan blog-hop)

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