This week I’ve been plagued by stories about the “wife bonus”. It’s right. It’s wrong. It’s feminist. It’s setting us back a hundred years. As always happens when a hot topic emerges on social media, I ended up discussing it with a bunch of women friends within the safe confines of a Facebook group. I was surprised to discover that I had a bit of a unique viewpoint on the topic.
You see, I made my husband’s dreams possible. His ability to “have it all” is built on the back of my sacrifice. We chose to move to a place that allowed his career to blossom and mine to stagnate. We chose to have a family, a decision that ended up impeding my ability to find a job. We chose these things together but they did not come without a cost….one that was paid mostly by me.
Before anyone passes me a tissue or lights a torch in my honor, I want to point out that I am NOT a martyr. I didn’t spend those “investment” years crying in a corner or suffering in silence. I got to live abroad, which had always been a dream of my own. I took advantage of the luxury of financial stability and very affordable childcare to explore some smaller dreams – running my own business (without needing to make a profit), getting to know my children, creating this blog and writing for fun. None of these things would have been possible had I stayed on my 60 hour a week, fast-tracked career path I’d been on before we settled down.
But as much as I can play around with imaginary numbers and try and put a price tag on my experience as a sacrificing spouse, the actual losses from four years of virtually no salary cannot be overlooked. Over half a million dollars in earnings – not potential earnings but the real total of four years of paychecks at my pre-baby salary – this is the true cost to me (and to our family) for putting my husband’s career dreams at the top of our list. Four years of bonus checks I would have otherwise received and stocked away in my bank account to spend however I wanted.
When the topic of the wife bonus came up, as distasteful as the word is to many, I couldn’t help feeling a little bit of camaraderie with those women, especially the one who wrote this article. Just like me, that woman walked away from a well-paid gig when her husband got a great job offer. Now I would never call my husband my boss (not even while under anesthetic), but I would absolutely agree with her that I earned some chunk of my husband’s bonus check.
Why bonus check and not regular paycheck? In our case, the regular paycheck went into covering all of the regular things – mortgage payments, food, clothing, childcare – and a little slushfund for savings. But the bonus – the one time of year when his employer said, “Hey, thanks for going above and beyond, for giving us 110% this year and doing more than the job description required. Here’s a little extra money for you to spend as you see fit,” – I don’t see any reason why I shouldn’t be given equal consideration. Splitting the household chores and child-related responsibilities are all part of the day-to-day task we opt into when we get married and have kids. But big sacrifices like I made – giving up a career and a fat paycheck of my own – well those deserve a little extra recognition. Calling it a bonus and making it clear that it is mine further underscores my right to spend it as I see fit.
How much money I got in a bonus and how I spent it is nobody’s business but my own. And if you don’t think that my sacrifices earned me that money, you can STFU. I made my husband’s dreams come true and that is worth some money.
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Ashley says
I hear everything you are saying. I think what put the bad taste in so many’s mouths was the way that woman worded the Post article. She could have phrased the “wife bonus” with so much more eloquence. She spouted out designer name and shoved dollar bills down the readers throats. I think, had she not done that, she would have made a point that so many could relate to. Just as you did–you made a case without discussing dollar amounts or Burberry coats and Chanel flats. You used words and feelings to explain where you were coming from, and while she did also, her money talk overshadowed that 100X over. Her article came across as very ‘in your fucking face’ and ‘all about the Benjamin’s’ and while the bottom line WAS all about the Benjamin’s, she could have made her point clearer to SO many more had she left all that name brand/money talk out. Great post, Lynn.
Leslie says
I think, maybe I am wrong, but I think the issue was that the money was for getting the children into “the right schools” and making “the right friends” on the social hierarchy, dubious achievements to say the least. The money was not for supporting one person’s career at the sacrifice of another’s. The latter is a totally valid and separate issue, the former, grotesque. The idea of putting a positive value on being in the “in crowd” and making extra money if you make that happen is nauseating. It also appears to be a myth, at least according to many East Siders who have much to say in response to this particular claim.
Lynn Morrison says
You may very well be right, but even if that was the case….don’t you think that to some degree, the wife’s ability to run in the right social circles and the children’s presence at the right schools had some impact on the husband’s career? I think we can all admit that in some parts of our society (however grotesque they might be), these things do count, and in that case, the extra work that the woman is doing to support the overall career progress of the man should STILL be recognized. I’d argue that we should be indicting that fascia of society as a whole, rather than shaming the women ONLY.
Sharon Greenthal says
I stayed at home for 20 years raising my kids. My husband never gave me any kind of bonus. We are partners. But I never wanted to work when my kids were growing up, and I always felt that in some ways he was giving me a gift by not insisting I find a job, even though it would have improved our lifestyle – not that there was much wrong with it.
It’s no one’s business how couples manage their finances. My issue with the woman in the Post is that she compared herself to the women in the original NY Times article, who are a completely different type of rich. She made a lot of noise about, frankly, not a lot of money.
Melanie says
A big fat “hell yeah” to wife bonuses although they are completely unnecessary. As a married couple, most states recognize her (or his!) right to his bonus as a matter of law. But her state’s law can’t give her the validation she truly wants from her husband, so to the extent that married couples create this fiction of a “wife bonus” to make her feel better, good for them. That’s their business, not ours. It is the concept underlying this wife bonus that is responsible for compensating the sacrificing wife upon divorce. That was a hard-fought win. Damn straight the sacrificing spouse is entitled to compensation for those years she put the family or her partner’s career ahead of her own! Others should be wary that if we attack the foundations upon which wife bonuses are built, and such sentiment catches on to prevent “setting us back,” you may unwittingly rock the life boat of a future single mom trying to move forward.
Stacia says
I 100% agree here. Lynn, you wrote this article from a VERY understandable and relatable point of view. Even if I can’t relate since my husband and I both work but I get what you’re saying and I think I would absolutely feel the same as you. Nice job!
Kris says
I have enjoyed the comments I’ve been able to read via the various shares this ‘bonus’ thing has been getting. I recall a story from ages back where a lady was told by her husband to hire a maid and when the lady found out how much the maid would make, SHE took the job. I’m supposed to ‘share our’ paycheck, but it is hard to do that. I’d love a bonus, but my spouse’s usually comes in the form of a gift card to Safeway or a few hundred dollars that is used for something like Christmas. I absolutely appreciate this point of view~ thank you for sharing it!
Linda Wolff says
My husband brings me a soy latte almost every morning since our youngest left for college. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m cranky in the morning without my coffee or for a job well done now that both of our kids are pursuing higher education. Either way, I’ll take my bonuses as they come. Loved your piece, by the way 🙂
Kim says
I gave up a lucrative career to stay at home with our children for more than 15 years. It was a choice we made to together, just as we have always decided together how to spend the household income. I never received a designated bonus, but was free to buy things when the mood struck, just as he was. My main complaint is that those years of not collecting a paycheck has really hurt my future social security benefits. My husband is older and has a variety of health concerns and I will most likely outlive him without the benefit of the social security income from the years of his hard work. Our systems are skewed to discriminate against people choosing to raise their families rather than bring in an extra paycheck. I am back in the workforce now that my children are older. I had to start over in entry level jobs even though I had years of supervisory experience. Employers, unfortunately, can’t see the value of the experience of raising a family and assume that all prior knowledge has been forgotten.
Californian Mum in London says
It’s true, and my husband agrees to. When I stopped working, my husband felt guilty. Then he saw how much easier his life was. I will remind him of that when he next receives a bonus. Mama needs a new handbag! 😉
Anthony Gjorvad says
My wife and I decided what all of our money go towards every month as a married couple should do. The money made is for the household not just whoever’s name is on the paycheck, isn’t that what marriage is about? Both of you working towards a common goal, not each of you trying to convince the other they are more worthy of deciding where the money is spent.
Anon says
Kim,
Our family is structured like yours in the sense that our wealth is shared.
But FYI, you should look up social security strategies and rules. There are spousal social security benefits as well as survivor social security benefits. I hope you take advantage of them.
Richard says
I don’t get this blog post. I could see being upset because you traded a career for being at home… But this post is all money focused.
My wife works (a very meaningful career as a researcher), but I probably make about twice as much money. Which takes working a lot of hours. As such my wife probably handles a little more of our home life. We both work the same hours during the day but I typically put a couple of hours in at night literally siting in my home office after the kids are in bed and she uses that time to take care of house matters.
Our money is OUR money. My career has been great because of her sacrifices. But a lot of her dreams have come true because of mine. Infact she’d have had to trade some of her career goals, were she responsible for making more money.
She doesn’t have less money because I have more. But I can assure you that if we just traded loads the money would just balance out the same. I would guess that this situation is probably similar.
It’s not all about money. But this post sure seems to be.
kim says
Having been a SAHM and full time homemaker I completely agree with this.
I have never really thought of it this way before but that job is definitely hard and supporting your husband, taking care of your child, house and home and all that entails you SHOULD get a Wife Bonus. You can label it however you please but it really is fair!
I wish I had heard of this concept many years ago.
I had to go back to work eventually and my marriage fell apart.
A lot had to do with finances and selfishness. I was still the main caretaker of our child working more hours making less money but paying for all childcare, 80% of groceries, and other things needed for the home.
We did pre & post martial counseling (our therapist actually told us not to get married but we were determined) but unfortunately we could not live together.
3 years later and we are finally on somewhat better terms. Legal documents tend to make one “learn” it’s easier to just communicate.
Had I had more respect, support and recognition from my husband I would have felt better about myself.
I realize now my friends who are SAHM’s as well as my own mother have ALL received wife bonus’ but it was never called that before!
Thank you for this insight!
Your article just articulated to a more “real” audience in many ways.
I did read the other article, her lifestyle was just put out there more than most. I feel that readers merely bashed her for her honesty on the “material items” the average person can’t afford. She stated she puts some away but that seems to have slipped through the cracks too.
Again you are an amazing writer and I look forward to enjoying more of your work!
Allison says
Thank you! If you’re getting a “bonus,” you’re really more of a prostitute than anything else.
Craig says
I’m with Anthony and I agree with the intent behind the original post. When only one person in a relationship has an income, that is a family income regardless of whether it comes in a bonus check or a regular check. Couples can decide for themselves whether they each spend part of it on whatever they wish or pool it to spend / save etc.
I did find some of the supporting arguments in the post to be a bit troubling. In any relationship both parties make sacrifices and receive benefits in various forms. The article seems to focus on specific sacrifices that justify her position and I don’t agree that she needs to justify her position. I think trying to put a monetary value of the trade offs you make as a couple is a dangerous path to go down. You should be openly discussing the pros and cons of your life decisions and striving for a balance of sacrifices and benefits for both of you.
Volker says
Fascinating debate! I agree with the above comment that the New York Post article really flaunts the wealth. Polly Phillips comes across as extraordinarily materialistic with a grand sense of entitlement.
In our family, the spouse that makes the most money goes to the office) that’s me), the other one manages the home life (that’s my wife), so both are working. When I get home, whatever remains to be done, we share.
Since my wife has to run the household, she is in charge of all the money. I couldn’t tell you what I make unless I look at the paystub since it goes by direct deposit to our account. Hence, she can get whatever she needs for herself (manicure, purse, whatever) as long we are not in overdraft; that is her “bonus”. When I do get a bonus, it goes to the same account, usually spent towards whatever the family needs. Big decisions (buying a house/car/vacation) are made jointly.
All property we have is owned jointly even though mortgages & loans are in my name (because mine is the only income). She is the beneficiary of all insurance and retirement.
It is our belief that for our marriage to work, there can be no “your money/my money”, just “our”money that needs to be spent responsibly.
And if she made more than me, I would gladly stay home to raise the kids 🙂
A Dad says
Wait what? Your husband earned a bonus and you think you should get a “wife bonus?” You weren’t clear (intentionally I suspect), so I can only assume your husband thinks the money is all his?
Your life before you quit your job is not the issue. You are part of a team now and the team earned the bonus – not the individual player.
There are one of two choices here:
1) Your husband thinks the bonus is his .
2) You are manipulating the issue to draw eyes and clicks to your article.
This isn’t a “working moms don’t get respect” problem. The problem here is that that one of you is an asshole. The only question is who.
Don the John says
Welcome to the world of men where you solely exist to compromise and sacrifice for the betterment of the household and very rarely are given acknowledgement and are considered weak if you ask for any affirmation. BTW, if you want to connect with your readers, quit ramming the fact that you made a six-figure salary down their throats.
vvvvvv says
“this is the true cost to me (and to our family)”
“.one that was paid mostly by me.”
” some smaller dreams… getting to know my children.”
I mean if the first thing you cared about was “me” then you shouldn’t have given up your career to start a family. The whole blog seems like its asking “What did I get out of this arrangement?” and the answer is family. What does your husband get for his career? Supporting his family. Same thing if the roles were reversed. If your husband isn’t making any sacrifices then he’s a bad husband, and that won’t be fixed by a simply monetary bonus.
Chris says
This was my original gut reaction and as a “smart-ass” yourself I thought you might not get too pissed off-
You have discovered a rationale allowing you to under-appreciate everything your husband has done to bamboozle you into such a bonusless, unfulfilling life. I am guessing your husband would nod in agreement as you explore your profound sacrifices of non-martyrdom because he would still like to get laid occasionally.
(Value of Parenting Experience) + (Value of Hobbyist Indulgences)
>
(Uninterrupted Salary Assumption) * 10
but I think this is more likely how I would word it if facing similar statements from my own wife-
Uhhhhh…girlpower?!
vvvvvv says
You just had a shitty husband if this part is true “A lot had to do with finances and selfishness. I was still the main caretaker of our child working more hours making less money but paying for all childcare, 80% of groceries, and other things needed for the home.”
Tab Rasa says
It’s only a ‘wife bonus’ if you don’t actually have a partnership in a marriage. I earn several times what my wife does, though if she were to work full time and at full capacity, her earnings could be up to 2x what I make… and you know what? Both of us stopped working full time so we could raise our children and act like a regular family rather than a typical 2-type A personality family that treats life like a Marines storming a beach.
Winston says
“…don’t you think that to some degree, the wife’s ability to run in the right social circles and the children’s presence at the right schools had some impact on the husband’s career?”
No. If he’d remained a bachelor, he’d still be where he is now. A self-declared trophy wife plays no part in a man’s value when it comes to business, except in the negative when she misbehaves. Putting this material up for public validation is hurting your husband’s career. If anything, you deserve a “pay cut.”
Kate says
This post is kind of bogus. I am an ultra-liberal, single, feminist woman and all this does is perpetuate materialism and division in the relationship. Clearly it’s not considered “our” money in this marriage.
ingrid says
Do you love your family? Because after reading your incredibly selfcentered article it’s obvious that you resent your family! You sound like the type of nut case that would murder your family. Please get some professional help if not for you but for your children. I had an ex boyfriend who was very messed up in the head because his mother used to remind him daily what you and her call “sacrifice”. Seriously, you need help!!
Lynda says
I want a salary and bonus for living in this world and involved in MY family life. The problem is my spouse and everybody I know too want it. Will you get somebody from planet Mars to give this money? My little girl, money is for a purpose. Your spouse who get money is also not eating the dollar bills directly. If your spouse is taking care you and your kid there no real meaning for money for you as a primary care giver in your family. The real question is how you look your role as a mother who bring up her OWN kid…is it a privilege or a burden? If i am your kid or spouse definitely i would have felt extremely bad about your blog post. My sympathy to your spouse.
Gurney Halleck says
Do men have the luxury of opting out of the workforce and being supported by their female partners? Did your husband have this option? Suppose he sacrificed his career so that yours could flourish. Would you have stayed with him? Would you have found him just as attractive? Would you have been tempted by males you encounter in your field who are higher achieving than your stay at home husband? In short, you are exercising a form of gender privilege that’s closed off to the male sex by being a stay at home wife. You didn’t really sacrifice much but instead opted for a happier, easier life being provided for and taken care off vs one that would have been more stressful and demanding.
Nan says
Ergh, cry me a river…comments like those by gurney halleck make me angry & so I will spin this back his way…if a man was the author of this article would you be so unsympathetic? Geezus $hit. This woman did step out of the corporate world & that is a risk that She ALONE takes on, all the years of education, study, experience laid waste. If her husband cheats on HER then she’s the one that pays by having to start at the bottom corporate rung and maybe even lower. Women take this risk bc loving & raising our children is something we take seriously & the risk of losing all we worked for is irrelevant when we know we are raising our beloved into good humans. Being a mom is the ultimate most difficult job I have ever done & I didn’t have the balls to quit my job to do it! I admire her for throwing away years of work so her little human can know the love & care of mother & not a daycare provider. No $$$ bonus repays that sacrifice and if you think that was all she was after you missed the entire point. If you are so jealous & angry then quit your job, take paternity leave, make your own life but don’t hash over others who are doing just that…put your big boy pants on & make a choice & stop your damn whining.
W1Girl says
I think some of the underlying concern is, like all good contracts and agreements, to protect both people. I was in an unmarried partnership for 10 years and was given free reign to manage his considerable finances while traveling the world, managing his household and working for various charities as we preferred my time to be flexible for the aforementioned travel. When the split came and I found myself empty handed and feeling well behind in the career race, I realized that I should have pressed for money in savings in recognition of my support, or at the very least contributions to a pension fund. I am now very unlikely to ever recoup those 10 years, but highly motivated…
Heather says
I had a joint account with my husband years ago my salary would go in at 1200 midnight at 1210 there would be no money ( I’m 62 he’s nearly 66) he now move into the basement, his reasons for this ‘I accuse him’ when ask by family and friends what I accuses him of he cannot give a reply, he’s going on vacation or he would tell the world ‘he going because his company send him on a seminar’ funny it’s the same date same place his ex wife and daughter vacationing, friend/husband/sister/his daughter to me her mom only want to be friends
Rick says
You lose credibility the moment you slam daycare providers! Also, why do you say Gurney is whining when he’s asking hypothetical questions? YOU are definitely whining, that’s for damn sure!