Everyone always asks me, “Lynn, how do you stay so fit?”
Ok, no one asks me that. I lied. Sue me.
Moving on…let’s just pretend for a moment that someone did ask me for my secrets to looking fit and
fat fab. I thought long and hard today about what my answer would be. Because a) I didn’t have anything better to do and b) you can get away with that kind of shit when you are a blogger.
MY DIETING SECRETS
Why yes, perfect stranger who asked, I do have a few secrets to success up my shirtsleeve. To keep myself looking this fantastic, I rely on the SEDS method.
What? What do you mean you’ve never heard of it! Of course, I’d be happy to explain it to you.
S stands for Stick
The first secret to my dieting success is a stick, as in I sign up for some diet program that will beat me over the head with a stick until I lose the weight. Right now I’m doing weight watchers. Sure, they have that new simple start program that gives you easy meals. But I ain’t havin’ any of that, nosirree. I let that points app make me its little bitch as I sit there and tally up every bite of food that comes into my mouth. I currently have 29 points per day and at least 4 of them have to go to wine. So no, I’ll skip out on the box of chocolates being passed around the room, thankyouverymuch.
ED stands for Executive Decision
Everyone knows the key to losing weight is perseverance. Everyone except the people who make up these diet plans, that is. The only way I can manage to stay on any diet long enough to see the benefits is to periodically override it with an Executive Decision. For example, let’s say I make myself a giant 0 points salad for lunch so that I can put the extra points towards booze later. (I would never do this.) (I lied, I did it yesterday.) (Moving on.)
Say the damn app says that the 1/2 an avocado I put in there is worth 2 points. 2 mother-effing points. In that case, I would make an Executive Decision that the app was full of crap and I would “accidentally forget” to record the avocado. Everyone knows that avocado fat is the good kind, so obviously it should be at least 0 points if not -2 points.
Or these cookies….I found a recipe for a super healthy version of chocolate chip cookies. The recipe says it makes exactly 2. Now, I could follow it exactly, but I usually make an Executive Decision that since I am only making TWO cookies, I might as well make it worth my effort. So I sub out all of the healthy ingredients for the unhealthy counterparts. They aren’t BTYM cookies, but they’ll do in a pinch.
This brings us to the last part of my dieting secret strategy…
S stands for Stick
Duh, weren’t you paying attention above? This time around the stick is firmly in the hands of Nomad Papa. If I start to make too many Executive Decisions or last minute substitutions, he whacks me upside the head and puts me back on the right track. Not because he sometimes think I look fat. (He does.) But because I am “paying good money for the diet plan so I had better get my money’s worth out of it”. Or something along those lines.
There you have it. The secret to all of my dieting success. Now you too can go and become fit and
fat fab right along with me.