The Nomad Mom Diary

I'm carrying around a LOT of baggage

Dear Men: Pee Doesn’t Come Out of The Love Tunnel

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Dear men: pee does not come out of the love tunnel. A story about the time I discovered my husband did not understand the female anatomy. on The Nomad Mom Diary

It all started innocently enough with a case of “ouchie booty”. A nagging pain in my daughter’s little girlie parts that suggested a second threadworm invasion or perhaps an apparently common yeast infection. But when six weeks, three doctor visits, several urine analyses and 47 different tubes of cream failed to diagnose or resolve the problem, my husband and I were left to bang our heads against the wall and try and come up with a strategy of what to beg the  doctor for next.

As if six weeks of interrupted nights’ sleep due to ice pack and tylenol requests and panic attacks whenever we have to move more than 3 feet from the bathroom weren’t enough to bring a psychotic parenting episode, we weren’t clear on whether there STILL was a problem. Was she still suffering from throbbing pain down there or was she acting out because she was scared that the potentially resolved problem might come back? The doctors were confused, we were confused,  and you can bet that the mystery girlie parts illness was boggling my little one’s brain.

Sunday night the two of us circled up in the living room for a parental pow-wow to decide whether we should ask for antibiotics (my vote) or a psych consult (his vote). What should have been a simple conversation spiralled down into the dark depths of male misunderstanding and wifely slack-jawed shock. Here’s why:

I discovered that my husband thinks we women pee out of our love tunnels.

I’m going to give you a moment to wrap your head around that statement.

No, wait, I’m not. YOU CANNOT WRAP YOUR HEAD AROUND THAT STATEMENT. Moving on.

My husband, a man with advanced degrees from some of the top universities in the world, clearly snoozed through 6th grade Health class and had no idea whatsoever how the woman parts do their daily business. And if you think he had some questions, let me reassure you that they paled in comparison to my own.

  1. Holy shit, have I found the Holy Grail explanation for why men cannot seem to locate the clitoris? Are they looking for it inside our vaginas?
  2. How did he think that I peed during the 20 months of 2 pregnancies when I had a large mucous plug blocking up my hooha? 
  3. What sort of weird, mystery anatomy does he think connects the bladder with the vag-tube? Does he think there is a hole in my hole?
  4. All the times that I made a quick bathroom run before engaging in horizontal  contortions with him, how did that not gross him the fuck out? (Sorry, I need to take a moment here to dry heave. *hurl* Ok, I’m back.)
  5. What the ever living vagina fuck was he doing the day that they covered human anatomy in middle school?!?!?! Playing Magic: the Gathering? Dribbling a basket ball? The man has a sister….surely he saw her pee at some point in time in their lives? Dear lord, what other insane misconceptions are running around in his head?!?!

I stood staring at him as ALL of the above questions ran through my head on an endless loop. He stood staring at me convinced that I was the one who was wrong. It was the ultimate showdown in the “Are You Fucking Kidding Me?” corral. A duel to the death fought not with pistols but with awkward explanations, references to where hands go during sexy time and frantic handwaving on my part versus sheer male obstinance on his. 

I left him with a recommendation to use the incognito tab to further investigate my claims and high-tailed it off to tell the other BLUNTmoms what had just happened. 

I hope you will agree, some stories are just too good to keep to myself. Now for the love of all that is holy, someone please tell me that this has happened to you.

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Comments

  1. I. Love. This.

    You would not believe how common an error this is amongst men and women (didja see OITNB?). I teach sex ed and puberty education, and don’t even get me started on some of the shit that people believe or think about the mysterious lady bits- not just the external stuff, but the internal things as well. One little girl’s grandma had told her that when you get your period, you’re passing a kidney stone! What the ever-loving fuck? That doesn’t even make sense- not one bit…
    Anyway, this is so funny, and bless your husband! A life-long belief about the love tunnel comes to an explosive end! Loved it.

  3. I am not sure what my reaction to this is. Wow. I want to send an “All About Your Body” book. Bless his heart. And before you go thinking I sound sanctimonious, I am going to immediately check in with my own hubby to quiz him on where lady-pee comes from. Just in case.

  4. I died.

    Sad thing…not just men. I’m a labor nurse and I cannot tell you how many times when placing a catheter after an epidural I’ve been asked how the baby can move down with the catheter in place. Granted we do remove it before pushing but NOT because it’s blocking the baby. lol..ignorance is bliss…or simply ignorance. 😉

  5. I am so glad that I am not the only one that had this issue! I had to explain to my husband the VERY SAME THING. We went to high school together – we took the same health class – I remember how his anatomy works – what happened? It explains a lot about our sex life though 🙂

  6. Check out allergies to soap…fragrance etc. i used to think I had UTI or yeast infections turns out I need to use hyper allergenic soap and detergent. Changed my life

  7. when my SIL was in labor for the first time she refused a catheter, seemed disturbed that it had been suggested by the nurse. Upon discussion, soon-to-be-Grandma discovered the soon-to-be-mom thought the catheter was going in the tunnel and would hurt the baby on his way out. She was SHOCKED to learn she was wrong.

  8. My fiancé thought the same thing until like a year ago – he is 36! I don’t know that he even understands now. I’m still baffled. This is hilarious!

  9. My husband is well versed in the female anatomy, but when it comes to the reproductive system he is clueless. He dissuaded me from discussing women’s cycles with our boys. I hope their wives have been better at than I was.

  11. Oh, this happened to me too! The worst part is, we’re highschool sweethearts and I remember taking that class with him! I was studying pre-med at the time so I pulled out my text book and showed him pictures! It resolved the argument pretty quickly but also grossed him out.

  12. I went to HIGH SCHOOL with a GIRL who had to be informed that, no, sorry, we DO have three holes, not two. ??????
    Forget anatomy class, what about your own BODY!?!?!

  16. Hahaha, my girlfriend had to prove it to me! I was maybe 8 or 9 and she was two years older and two grades above me. I told her that there was no way, pee came out of “the hole”! She took me in the bathroom and peed to prove it. I was stunned!

    Oh God, thank goodness for bff’s! Loved this post. Now, you seriously do need to take a survey!

  18. Ok so personal input here, but if it happens to be recurring, I highly recommend trying to get a lower dose antibiotic for a longer period (less likely for the infection to linger) and then giving her probiotics (I personally like the Three Lac brand, or probiotic yogurt) to ward off yeast infection often caused by the antibiotics. I was plagued as a teen due to my cycle and sports and this seems to do the trick 😉

  19. All very fascinating! I once met a man who had two holes in his wingwang. I asked him which hole HE pees from. He had no idea and actually took offense to the question.

  20. oh gosh, this reminds me of 4 older teenage girls who were discussing peeing out the same hole they have sex in, I sat there like seriously? wow! so I looked at them and asked them how many holes does a female have and they said two, I even looked at the mom of two of them and she said two. I just shook my head. I said no we have three holes, the asshole, the Va jay jay hole and the pee hole, they looked at me like I was crazy, then all the teens went to the bathroom and checked it out. now I personally don’t know who volunteered for the show part any more than why they all had to go into the bathroom to figure this out but they all came out and said I was right ,but they said they didn’t know how I could possibly know this since I was the only virgin in the room.

  21. This was awesome. That topic actually came up recently with our 3 year old and my husband was like, “That’s a question for mommy.” It’s insane how many people do not know that we have 3 holes. There was a hole episode of Orange Is The New Black based on this common misconception.

  22. Yup. I can still remember the look on my face when my hubby tried to convince me that he was the one who was right on this issue. I was like, “do you have a vagina?” And he kept interrupting like, “you’re wrong. But I…” And I cut him off at the pass every time. I’m nearly positive he still doesn’t think he’s right, either. Shaking. My. Head.

  23. As regards your little one. If she continues to have pain after this round of antibiotics, but doesn’t grow anything on a urine culture, she may benefit from taking D-Mannose. It’s an OTC supplement–you can find it at the health food store.

    As I’ve gotten older, I’ve noticed that my looooong hot baths are often followed by that icky sensation of an impending bladder infection: stinging, the frequent urge to urinate, etc. A single dose of D-Mannose stops it in its tracks. And, as near as I can tell when I’ve researched it, side-effects are unlikely unless you start using a lot of it.

    I also want to second the person who commented on a change in soap. Bubble bath used to bring about frequent irritation for me during childhood. Good luck!

  24. I have to admit I had a pretty similar conversation with my husband a few years ago! Not much surprises me anymore about people misconceptions about our bodies. I used to teach Child Development classes and in a discussion about breast feeding one female student, a junior in high school, admitted that she thought that you had to go to the Dr and get a shot of milk before you could breast feed!!! I was speechless!

  25. Well…if you think about it logically, his stuff all comes out of the same place…so his confusion is understandable. I’m still laughing my ass off. But I get it.