When my husband and I got engaged, I was amazed by how many people asked me about my last name. Most people assumed I’d switch and “won’t that be cool to have an Italian last name!” When I explained that I was planning to keep my own name, people looked at me like I’d just admitting to beating puppies and immediately worried that my husband-to-be would leave me as a result.
Deciding to keep my own last name was easy. I had spent 30-odd years building it up and as much as I love my husband, I didn’t think he was worth abandoning everything I had done before. Plus, the thought of doing all of the paperwork and then having to get new versions of every single document in my life made me twitchy. My husband did briefly hem and haw, but when I reminded him that women in Italy don’t change their name either (his own mother included), he realised that he didn’t have any real ground to stand upon. The battle was over before it had even begun.
Well, sorta.
Even though I didn’t change my name, there are some people that are determined to ignore that fact. Exhibit A: my family. It boggles the mind. My dad recently mailed me a care package addressed to “Lynn Abcde” (name changed to protect the innocent…namely, my kids) instead of Lynn Morrison. I had to retrieve it from the post office and it was sheer luck that they didn’t ask to see an ID before relinquishing it. This prompted phone call #257 to my dad to remind him that I still had the name HE had given me some 30+ years ago. “Dad, my name is the SAME as your own. Why is this so hard to remember?”
All of this got me thinking about what is in a name. What is it that makes us decide to change (or not change) our names? Society likes to paint this as a feminist issue, but I have to disagree. I reached out to some of my fellow BLUNTmoms and asked them whether they had changed and why they made the decision they made. Here is what they said:
THE NAME CHANGERS
Some people tried to blame it on their kids:
- I changed because we had kids before we got married but I knew we would ultimately end up married at some point so our kids had his last name. We got married shortly after the last kid and I’m glad I did because our son who was 4 at the time asked why my last name was different than his.
Others did it for their man:
- It was important to him that I took his name, also my maiden name was Wasilewski, no one has ever been able to say it and I was always last in school so moving up the alphabet was a no brainer for me.
- I took my husband’s name because he asked me to. Sounds simple, yah? Here’s the scoop: he’s gentle, calm, mellow, softspoken, giving, never asks for anything and he asked me for that. I am none of those things but giving and so I gave him the name. It’s the least I could do, he was prepared to put up with me FOREVER! (side note: this shmoopy comment set off a round of suggestions of other ways she could have pleased her man…they were WAY too racy for me to print here, but I will reveal if you comment and ask for them.)
- My personal favorite was this response: I only took his name on my credit card… so he’d pay the bill. Ha ha. (why didn’t I think of this???)
And others did it for reasons entirely of their own…
- hmmm. Well. My divorce came through 10 days before we were married. I didn’t want to keep my ex’s name, so the new hubby’s seemed like an easy option. I was changing it anyway, might as well take his!
- (oh, and in school, I was a K. There was always a lot more M’s & N’s and they had a better locker zone. I think subconsciously I liked the fact that I was going to be an N finally)
- I couldn’t wait to get rid of my maiden name. No one could pronounce it and I am not too fond of my dad so yeah, there’s that.
THE REBELS
I’m calling those of us who didn’t change their names the rebels because we were by far and away in the minority. Sadly, most of us seem to have stuck our names out of apathy or laziness…hmm, maybe rebels isn’t such a good name for us after all:
- On a good day, I can hardly remember my given name of 41 years. To change it would be amnesia.
- My ex’s last name is Seeman. Any questions why I stuck with Smith?
What did you do? Did you change your name to make a matched set or did you keep hold of your original identity? Why did you make the decision that you did?
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MissNeriss says
You know, I kind of wish I didn’t take my husband’s name. And by kind of I mean I really wish I didn’t take his name. My given name is enough of a struggle for people as it is. “what’s that Melissa? Oh, Marissa. Narelle? Melanie?” No you fuckwit, Nerissa! Anyway, now my surname is Muijs and to everyone outside the Netherlands it’s just too hard. Moojus? Mees? So it’ll be awesome when we move back to Aus, I’ll be hereafter known as Melissa Moojus. Can’t wait.
Chasing the Donkey says
Loved the post – but I think I loved the comment from Mrs Moojus even more……
Tink says
I didn’t take my husband’s name. I left my job, home, friends & family AND moved across the Atlantic. At the time the name seemed one change too may. I have the same problem with family – both sides! My family in middle America just can’t comprehend that I would get married and want to keep my name. My British MIL insists on sending me checks for my birthday made out to my first name and my husband’s surname. Luckily, the bank has always let me deposit into a joint account. Really interesting blog topic:-)
Amanda van Mulligen says
I changed my name because the Dutch made an even bigger mess up of my maiden name than the British did….. little did I know van Mulligen would be such an issue too. But to hell with it, after this post I’m changing it to Mrs Moojus too!!! That is just brilliant.
Kris says
YES!
Kris says
I grew up with 4 dads and was adopted by the best one. Unfortunately, I didn’t care for his name. So, yeah, I changed it. My son’s ex-wife, her reason was feminist to the max and she already HAD a hyphenated last name from her parents. But, the man who married them said names and weddings are difficult. In my son’s, he stopped before the introduction and finally said ‘May I introduce you to K and T’. Another time, the groom took the bride’s name..but no one opted to tell the groom’s family before they were introduced in the ceremony. He said THAT one was awkward! This is a GREAT post!
Lynn Morrison says
I know! It always elicits such great conversation. So much more goes into the decision than #feminism or #bible! Not black/white at all!!
Eve says
I kept my last name DESPITE the fact that my husband wanted me to change it and DESPITE the fact that my children had a different last name and DESPITE the fact that there are people who still insist on calling me by his last name. His last name is fine but so is mine and that’s exactly what it is, mine and was for 31 years before that. I didn’t feel the name to change my identity to feel like I was his wife. There is plenty of dirty laundry to remind me that I am.
Emily Ramirez says
I come from a family of multiple divorces, so my mother and sister both had different last names than my brother and I. Growing up it was always annoying for me to explain why we all had different last names, so when I got married it was a no-brainer. Certainly not opposed to other ways of doing it, but this way felt right for me.
Stephanie Bridges-Bendix says
The decision for me wasn’t hard, at first. I am married to a woman and having the same last name felt like another way we could be linked to one another legally. It was important to us when we had our son that we all had the same last name, it felt like another way to validate our family. I never particularly liked my last name and I didn’t love my wife’s name either, but she wanted to keep hers. About 6 months after I legally changed my name to her last name, I decided to change it again to the hyphenated version. For some reason I was feeling like I lost a part of my old self, it was probably post partum hormones. It has been really confusing for people and a mouthful. I end up just going by one or the other. I am a nurse, I knew hyphenated names could be a pain in the butt, this is ridiculous though. Bottom line… it was too much effort to change, I am leaving it.
Alena Belleque says
I was born Crosley. My father is serving life in prison for sexual abuse. I switched unofficially to my grandmother’s name, Carpenter, when I was 11, and refused to acknowledge anything else for several years, much to the consternation of all the adults around me who felt their opinions matter more than my sanity. Then my mother remarried a less extreme version of crazy when I was 15 (asshole, but never did anything he could go to jail over), and at 17 I was adopted against my will, and became Purkerson. So when I got married, it was a no-brainer to take my husband’s name. I wanted to put as much distance between myself and my origins as humanly possible. Nobody fought me, considering it was the patriarchial thing to do. And thankfully, not only do I love the musical and unique name I married into, but by identifying with my husband in this way, I’ve finally found connection to someone worth connecting to, and a family heritage worth being a part of. I’m proud to be a Belleque! But if my daughter wants to keep her name should she ever marry, or if I ever have a daughter-in-law, and she wants to keep hers, I think that’s wonderful. Names are not who we are, but they can help or hinder us, and I think it should always be up to the individual, what they go by, especially in marriage.
Alena Belleque says
Oh, and out of the five in my sibling group (I’m the oldest), two of them have changed their entire names – first, middle, and last – totally apart from marriage. They simply decided they couldn’t handle being associated with their origins, and wanted to create space for themselves. So they did. And I’m darn proud.
Mary says
I chose to be traditional and change my name when I got married. I had two kids. We got divorced and I kept the last name because of my children. I remarried and changed my name (which freaked my children out) had another kid and then got divorced. I went back to my maiden name. Then I got married for a third time and wasn’t going to change my name but felt like I was disappointing my mom and current husband. The SSA probably hates me!!!
Lauren says
I had actually started the process of changing my maiden name to my mother’s maiden name just before I met my husband. I knew right away he was the one, so I just figured I would wait it out until I could officially take his name. I even waited to publish my first research study until I had my husband’s name. I have a very horrible relationship with my father, but all my nicknames in school were from his last name so I felt like I couldn’t escape him. Now, I love saying my full name and love that my father couldn’t find me and my son if he tried. The one drawback: my son has the most Italian name ever and inherited my super white skin, light blonde hair, and blue eyes!
ROsieBum says
Identity mostly (“I’ve always had this name! It’s my name!” I TOLD him. Also, he didnt care.). However, the main reason is that My first name is Angela and my new name would have been Angela Andersen. No way. Sounds too much like Pamela Andersen and well, ain’t no way.
Amy Gurley says
My maiden name was Vanlandingham. I was *eager* to rid myself of it, even though I am the last in my line of Vanlandinghams. I felt bad for about 10 seconds. But now I’m divorced, something I initiated, but there was no reason to change my last name back. I identify as Gurley now, and I don’t even really think of my ex when I use it. In fact, if I ever marry again, I’m thinking about keeping it. Would that be weird?
Dana says
Lol my husband’s ex took her new husband’s name when she married him, but uses my husband’s last name as her legal middle (maiden) name. I guess she wanted to keep it because it’s their son’s last name, but yes, we thought it was weird. I was more than ready to be rid of my ex’s last name. And I changed it again when I remarried, even though I was going from simple (Martin) to no-one-can-spell-or-pronounce (Quesinberry).
Kristin says
I changed to both names and it has been such a pain! I wish I would have just changed to his name because it is such a pain having such a long name. Also there are times when I have to say something may be under one or the other like today with the cable company..