The Nomad Mom Diary

I'm carrying around a LOT of baggage

Is Your Vagina a Fixer Upper?

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Is your vagina a fixer upper?
The other day I asked my husband how I was looking “down there”. He thought about it for a minute and then used the words “homey, charming and slightly rustic” to describe my womanly real estate.

Apparently my vagina is a fixer upper. What was once the jewel of the neighborhood has turned into a shabby lean-to with an overgrown lawn and a leak problem.

Now I’m sitting here on the couch with my laptop wondering what I should do about it. Should I embrace it’s warm feelings of home-cooked meals and echoes of children’s laughter? Or is it time for a complete overhaul?

I put my browser into incognito mode, because I seriously do not need enhanced vagina ads chasing me all over the internet and then I do a little search.

“Vaginal Rejuvenation”

It seems I have a few options. Option #1 is to back my truck WAY up and put the good old hymen back in place. Tempting? Let’s see….I remember nervous laughs, fumbling, pawing and a final act that arrives before I even get seated. No. Not tempting. Not at all.

Option #2: Buccal (oral) mucosa. My husband couldn’t imagine a better renovation plan if he tried. Basically, they take some tissue from inside your cheek and move it down to shore up the walls of the love canal. This one requires a little more thought….if I opt for this, can I get credit for a blow job every time we have sex? Tempting….but no. Because ick.

Option #3: the good old labiaplasty. A few snips here, some extra support beams there and suddenly my hooha is ready to be shown off at parties. Just one minor problem: decreased sensation. Aww man, you have GOT to be kidding me. What’s the point of building a mcmansion if I gotta sleep on a blow-up mattress inside it?

Option #4: I don’t have any clue what option 4 is because I accidentally clicked on the image search tab and now I’m clawing my eyeballs out.

I may not have the newest vagina on the block. Let’s face it, no matter how much reconstructing I do, the lot that it’s sitting on is showing its age. I could start with a snip and a stitch and move on to a nip and a tuck, round it out with a lift and tone and shine the whole package up with collagen and botox injections. I’d be a 37 year old blow-up doll with the pleasure sensations to match.

I pop up to the loo to take a gander at the old girl and see if there might be a slightly less invasive solution I could consider. A few minutes with the weed-wacker, a couple of coats of shimmer body paint and I’m starting to feel like a new old woman.

Maybe I have this all wrong. My vagina is not a fixer upper. It’s a family home, full of character, rich with history, and, most importantly, the only damn place my husband is guaranteed to find comfort on a cold night.

If you think this story is funny, you’ll definitely want to read about the time my husband, I mean my “friend’s husband” thought one of his balls had gone missing…Click here to read Calling Nurse Wife.

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Comments

  2. My surgeon did some tightening up of the hoo ha and the poop chute during the pelvic reconstruction. No complaints from me or my husband… so far! But it also isn’t ALL THAT, either. It’s… o-KAY. Probably not worth surgery just for that.

  6. OMG. I can’t imagine what you must have seen with your accidental click, except I can imagine it, and BLAGH. I’ve not given it much thought, but I’m pretty sure my ladybits are doing just dandy, thankyouverymuch. Character and history indeed. 🙂

  7. The only problem my husband has with my vagina is that he doesn’t get to visit it more often. And neither one of us cares what it looks like. If we had that kind of cash, we’d spend it on a kid-free vacation where we could really fix up my vagina, if you know what I mean. *winks not-at-all-subtly*

  8. While I would love to fix the leak anything else is not going to happen. Vaginal rejuvenation ranks right up there with boob jobs in the “nobody messes with my fun stuff” category.

  10. I’ve heard of special types of physical therapy that help get your vagina back in shape. I’m not sure exactly how to search for that sub-specialty on your insurance carrier’s site, but they exist.

    Basically, someone helps you do your kegels, but from what I hear, you get a medical grade dildo and have to do “physical therapy” with it regularly.

  14. This is the funniest fucking thing I’ve read in a long time. You’re a brave soul taking a mirror to those nether regions…I’m living in blissful ignorance, choosing to believe the lies my husband tells me about it all feeling the same. Riiiiight.

  18. OMG love it! I think we all may be a bit guilty (after kids) of neglecting the front lawn. You must maintain your real estate 🙂

  23. Ugh .. There is truth to this “special physio therapy”… Imagine my, err, I mean my friends surprise when her physio told her to take her pants and undies off!
    Sadly, my friend reports, no medical grade homework tool accompanied the horrifying visits..

  26. Haha! Hilarious post & perfect reply from Foxy. I don’t see too many other dudes weighing in here, but I will echo FWP’s sentiments: we just want in! But, you know, maybe trim the hedges for a little curb appeal.

  27. I’m 29, have had one baby, and feel like all of my ladybits are falling to pieces. What the heck?? We want one more kid, and I’m afraid they’ll come out with everything still around them, and I’ll end up with a bag for doing my business. #thehorrror Best part, my carers think I’m too young for this crap, so they won’t even investigate to find out if I’m serious when I say that my cervix is freaking touching my underpants! Hilarious post; I’m so glad I found your blog, today!