THE MILESTONES THAT REALLY MATTER

Yesterday evening I was driving my almost four year old home from dance class. For perhaps the second time ever, she had given me permission to play “mommy music” in the car. We were rolling along rocking out to the radio when a pop culture phenomenon came on the radio. One minute into the song a little voice popped up from the back seat saying, “Mommy, is that the woopagungugsta song?” I nearly wrecked the car because I was laughing so hard…50% because she correct identified “Gangnam Style” and 50% because she did so with a Dutch accent. If that is the only thing she has learned at daycare in the last four years, I still say that was money well spent.

That night at dinner I could hardly contain myself. I could not wait to share this monumental accomplishment with my husband. To say that he was less than impressed would be an understatement. He said (and I quote),”We don’t need to encourage this kind of garbage.” Um, yes, yes we do. I was so proud I had called my mom, sister and taken the kid over to the neighbors for a command repeat performance.

All of this got me to thinking about those damn milestone charts. If such an accomplishment had been listed on one, he would have been more excited. And shouldn’t an awareness of the world around her rate just as highly? I would like to propose a new milestone chart:

Let me take you through these. I didn’t put an age on them, but most kids seem to hit them by the time they are five. There is an evolutionary reason for this. Conveniently, Mother Nature turns your sweet baby into a giant jerk around the same time you have to send them off to school. This is why moms only cry on the first day of school. After that, they realize that 8 hours without the little assholes is actually pretty nice.

#1 – Remember when no meant no? Yeah, me either. At some point in the toddler years my kids figured out that I was not going to give in. About a week later, they turned to papa for his permission.

#2 – We had a long talk about this at playgroup. The lying stage is immediately proceeded by the spinning stage. In the spinning stage, they are very quick to give their version of the events (she ran into the Barbie car), but will eventually ‘fess up to their own misdeeds (she ran into it because I kicked it at her).

#3 – It is suddenly not safe to talk in front of the kids. Your only hope is that your kid will repeat something that they heard the neighbors say before telling the neighbors something embarrassing you said about them.

#4 – I don’t care how hard you try, some bastard somewhere will introduce your child to toddler music. The only good news is that after hearing the same song approximately 4,725,912 times, your child will move on to something a bit more hip.

#5 – This one is really hilarious. My kids aren’t there yet, but the neighbor’s kid regularly walks up to me and says things like, “Lynn, that Giorgie is really crazy”. She isn’t ratting her out for being bad, she just wants to share her two cents on the situation. Sometimes she even gives me advice. I usually take it.

#6 – So your kids have figured out that they can con the grandparents into giving them all of the stuff both you and papa said no to? Don’t be pissy….instead get the kids to ask for the things that you want too (new iPad anyone?).

#7 – I cook, clean, diaper, wash and generally manage everything in the household. Yet every time my husband shows up late in the evening with no prior warning, my kid says “Don’t be mad at papa”. I know I should have never let him teach her to say, “Addy and Papa, best friends forever.”

#8 – Ahhh, those days of sweet kisses and hugs for no reason quickly fade away as your kid realizes that signs of affection are perhaps the only currency they have. You want a hug for mommy, you better be prepared to pay up in chocolate or horsey rides.

What else should be on my list?