The Nomad Mom Diary

I'm carrying around a LOT of baggage

Why we will never forget her

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I’ll never forget the night I got the phone call. It’s nearly midnight and I’m trying to get my eight months pregnant body into a comfortable position. My husband comes into the bedroom and asks, “Did you see the email from your mother?” I shake my head no. “She wants you to call her immediately,” he says and stands there with concern on his face. I lumber out of bed and we go into the guest bedroom. We both know that something bad has happened and we don’t want to risk waking up our sleeping twenty month old. He wraps his arms around me and I dial.

My mother answers right away, sobbing, her words nearly impossible to understand. “Ken just died.”

Somewhere in my 20’s I started to come to grasp with my parents’ mortality. I continue to hope and pray that they’ll live long enough to share a room at the old folk’s home with me, but I’m smart enough to realize that this probably won’t be the case. Nonetheless, the news of my father’s death sucker punches me right in the chest.

“She just died. We don’t know what happened.”

The pronoun sears across my brain. She. Not He. Lightning has struck my family down. It isn’t my father we’ve lost, but my fourteen week old niece. Kenzie, not Ken.

Within twenty four hours we are all there. I wall off my emotions and stand guard over my family as they kneel down under the grief. My mother and father wrap their arms around my sister and my mother cries on her shoulder, “If I could rip my arm off so that you could have Kenzie back, I would do it. I would do anything to bring her back.” I know she means it. We all mean it.

In the quiet of the wee hours of the night, my mother and I sit at the foot of my sister’s bed. None of us can sleep. “I’m afraid that people will forget her,” my sister says and her husband nods his head.

I look back on that week through a haze of grief, but my sister’s quote stands out in my head. “I’m afraid that people will forget her.”

What she doesn’t seem to understand is that we can never forget little Kenzie, because we see and hear her every day in my sister. We see the woman that she would have become, the person she was meant to be.

I see the core of molten steel that makes up my sister’s backbone. The core that held her upright when anyone else would have crumbled. I see that and I imagine a sassy mouth four year old standing firm that she will bring her favorite doll to nursery with her no matter what her mother or teacher says.

I see the warm heart and easy nature that causes friends to flock to my sister. I know that Kenzie would have been equally blessed, the girl next door that is invited to every party and playdate.

I see the natural beauty, the effortless charm and I imagine my brother-in-law standing at the front door with a shotgun as a line of teenage boys wraps around the block.

I see a daughter and a mother, a friend and a wife and I know that Kenzie would have been all of those things.

Sometimes my sister dreams about Kenzie. She dreams she is older and playing at the beach with the little brothers she never got to meet. My sister loves those dreams, loves thinking about her whole family, finally united and her young sons getting to know the joy of living with a bright spark of a girl.

What my sister doesn’t realize is that her boys already know their sister. They know her the same way that we do. They know her because they see her in my sister’s heart, eyes, and arms. They hear her in their father’s laugh. They feel her, as we do, and we will never forget her.

christyandkenzieIn memory of Kenzie, my sister and brother-in-law are raising funds for March of Dimes. If you are interested in donating, you can do so on their website.

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Comments

  1. Beautiful, and heart wrenching piece.
    Lightening strikes so randomly, and it makes us scream “WHY???” into the clouded air around us. My heart goes to your family, and the loss.
    You have words, and your sister has such incredible fortitude. No mother should lose a child… ever.

  3. Ohhh my gosh, this made me well up. What a terrible thing to go through – for your sister, and all of you. Biggest hugs.

  4. Thank you so much for this post. I think it was very brave of you to share your family’s story in such a beautiful way. I couldn’t agree with your sister more; I think it’s the forgetting that we all fear.

  7. I’m so sorry for your sister’s loss and I can completely relate to that fear that her daughter will be forgotten. I felt the same way. Thank goodness she has you and the rest of your family to help her keep the memory alive.

  10. I have lost many friends, family member, boyfriend and you never forget them, not even after 30 yrs. I still have nice memories of all of them. I am very sorry for your loss. If I may ask, was it an accident or she was a sick child?

  11. Thank you for sharing your heart with us, It is beautifully written. It is true, she will live in your hearts forever. I am so very sorry for your family’s loss!
    When my baby Daniel died (at 3 days old), I remember my husbands remark “I don’t want him to be forgotten”. That was 28 Years ago, he will never be forgotten. He changed us forever….and for the better. My youngest son who only knew Daniel through our memories, wrote a song that captures our Journey,our feelings and our love for him. It took us from anticipating his birth, to the anguish of his death, to an indescribable joy, reuniting with him in heaven. Amazing… That my child who never knew him, knows him. I will pray for your family today for comfort, peace, and that you will have the hope, as we do, of joyfully reuniting with little Kenzie in the beauty of heaven.
    Blessings, Dawn in MI

  12. Kenzie was born with a spleen that was 10% of the normal size. This prevented her from developing an immune system. Unfortunately, this defect is discovered 95% of the time postmortem. She would have had a hard life of emergency room visits for every sniffle and a dependence of the herd immunity to keep her safe. Her death was sudden, no warning and no explanations for months until we got the final report.

  15. Sweet little Kenzie, I’m so sorry about this life cut short. I refuse to believe that things happen for a reason, but I do believe that we can make something good come from them. Your sister is so strong for raising money for other babies. It’s a hard thing to do, but she is doing something good out of her tragedy. Hugs to you, her, and your families.

  16. This is a beautiful tribute to your niece, your sister, and others who lost a child. As long as someone is grieving her, she will never be forgotten. I’m so sorry for this deep loss.

  17. Oh Lynn, I’ve got chills—beautiful words from your strong and loving family. Kenzie is beautiful and will never be forgotten. Love to all of you.