MISERY IS KEY TO STRESS REDUCTION

I have two kids, a cat, a dog, a crazy husband, two businesses and an international move to plan in the next three months. Obviously I am a basket case of stress. I am talking the “grinding your teeth down to nubs, stomach permanently lodged in your throat” kind of stress. I used to work 50-60 hours a week in a cut throat environment and that was a picnic compared to this. What gives body???

I saved myself a trip to see the Dutch doctor by taking a paracetamol and using Dr. Internet to find a remedy. I googled up “acid reflux due to stress” and clicked through to an article on Health magazine. It turns out that people feel more acid reflux and heartburn when they are stressed. The same study also determined that the pope was catholic and a bear does, in fact, shit in the woods.

So I skimmed over the report from Captain Obvious and focused in on the suggestions for treatment. Here is what it said:

If you’re under stress, be extra careful to avoid known heartburn triggers such as chocolate, citrus fruits and juices, tomatoes and tomato sauces, spicy or fatty foods, full-fat dairy products, and peppermint. Other tips include trying to make mealtime as relaxing as possible, perhaps by playing some soothing music. Eating smaller meals also helps. Don’t lie down too soon after eating, and try to sleep with your head raised. The good news is that there are also many types of medications to help combat heartburn if none of these methods helps you feel better. – from Health Magazine

WTF? In order for me to be a happy, healthy human being I have to give up every food that makes me happy and duct tape and gag my kids in their dinner table chairs. Sure, I’ll just get right on that and perhaps I’ll poke myself in the eye repeatedly at the same time. On the plus side, snacking is encouraged, but looks like it will styrofoam rice cakes instead of hot chocolate and cookies. The sleeping with my head raised should be easy as I am currently “sleeping” sitting up at the end of Giorgie’s bed. Good to know that there is a silver lining to that hurricane.

The only line in the two-paged article that gave me any hope was the second to last. As usual, it looks like the only real option is drugs. And on that note, I’m off. If you need me, I’ll be spending the rest of the day standing in line at the “coffee shop” down the street. Dr. Internet told me to “take two space brownies and call him in the morning”. Who can argue with advice like that?