HEY, I’M DONE HAVING KIDS, OKAY???

My husband and I have this funny routine we like to do. I say that I am done having kids. He says that we might have one more someday. Then I say that he can have another kid with his second wife. I’m not quite sure that he has understood that I am dead serious.

Maybe some of the rest of you are in the same position, and are wondering whether you are really done having kids. Read my checklist and find out for yourself.

SIGNS YOU ARE DONE HAVING KIDS

1. When you hear a newborn baby crying, you run in the opposite direction.
   (I was out walking the dog one day and caught myself running past the house where I could hear a new baby crying inside. I didn’t even know the family, but I wasn’t taking any chances.)
2. When you use four forms of birth control on a regular basis, even though you haven’t had sex in three months.
   (My mama always said that the best form of birth control was abstinence. She was wrong. The best form of birth control is toddlers.)
3. When a woman in the group announces that she is pregnant, you express your condolences instead of congratulations.
   (By the way, pregnant women don’t take that very well…fyi)
4. Every time your youngest child masters a new skill, you think, “thank god we won’t have to go through that again”.
   (Catching yourself mid-swing throwing the baby walker into the canal is a clear indicator.)
5. You can admit that every minute of pregnancy sucks.
   (Only women in denial can convince themselves that packing on thirty some-odd pounds and having an alien invader in their body is a beautiful and amazing experience.)
6. When someone jokes that you will be the next to have a baby, you seriously debate punching them in the face and/or not speaking to them ever again.
   (Is there anything more frustrating than trying to defend yourself against that kind of attack? The more you say no, the more they laugh and say yes. Punching them in the face is totally justified.)
7. When you sell all of your baby stuff and use the money to buy wine and condoms.
   (I haven’t done this yet, but I am definitely going to do it now that I thought it up. Local moms, hang in there for a yard sale date.)
8. When the wine glass is an extension of your hand (sorta like Capt. Hook) and you find yourself standing in front of the wine bottle at 4:59pm.
   (Give alcohol up for at least 9 months? I can barely go for a day. I don’t need kids that badly.)

So how did you do? Anyone else interested in a uterus retirement party?