23 Things I’ll Never Understand About Toddlers

Is there anything more mind-boggling than a toddler? Lord, I hope not. I came up with 500 things about them that are incomprehensible, but I only managed to type up 23 before they found me hiding in my closet. If you have or have had toddlers, I’m sure you can understand….

So here they are:

1. Why they are incapable of noticing their shoes are on the wrong feet
2. Why the tag in their nice shirt is “too scratchy”, but the oversized polyester princess dress and the pirate eye patch are not
3. How they are oblivious to the fingerpaint covering 2/3rds of their bodies
4. And the sea of cookie crumbs on your couch and in your car
5. But they are immediately bothered by the one spot of birdshit on the car sunroof
6. How an otter pop can be preferred over chocolate gelato
7. Or a juicebox over fresh-squeezed OJ
8. Or anything Mickey Mouse shaped over anything not Mickey Mouse shaped (including the same damn thing)
9. Why there is no correlation between a fun bath time and anything else in the known universe (I get better odds in Vegas)
10. How they can beg for a weekend playdate with a nursery friend, and then spend the first hour being too shy to speak to one another
11. What makes a half a postcard, two rocks and some dead flowers “treasured items”
12. Or why they’ll fight tooth and nail over a gumball machine toy
13. But completely ignore the $80 dollhouse right next to them
14. Why Mommy is ALWAYS the preferred option
15. Especially when she is a raving PMS bitch
16. But Daddy is the favorite anytime he leaves town (Why is that?!?!)
17. What makes them turn into coked up rats in a lab maze anytime they enter the grocery store
18. Why they like [insert here every cartoon character aimed at toddlers]
19. How they can watch the same TV episode 242 times consecutively and still seem surprised by the ending
20. Why umbrellas can only be opened inside the house and never carried out in the rain (IT WILL GET DIRTY!)
21. Or why they want to wear winter hats in the summer and shorts in the winter
22. But most of all, I’ll never understand how they can make me want to pull all of my hair out one minute
23. And hug the crap out of them the next.

Guess I’ll have to keep them around a bit longer and see if someday I’ll finally understand…God help me!