PEACE IN THE POTTY

I could say that getting to go to the potty all by yourself with the door closed and everything is like finding the holy grail. Except that might trivialize it. I think it might be easier to find “peace on earth and goodwill to all men” than to find 3 minutes in which I can go potty alone.

Case in point: last night I invited the neighbors over for a Mexican fiesta. Around midnight the black beans were do a fiesta in my stomach. I could have gotten out of the bed, but the only thing more valuable than peace in the potty is peace in the night time hours. So I sucked it up. Til 12:20. Then Giorgie started her new routine of “how many times can I make mommy my bitch between 12-5am”. I sucked it up at 12:20 and forced myself back to bed. I sucked it up again at 1:30. I kept right on sucking it up until 3:30am.

Turns out that a half an hour of perching on the far edge of my toddler’s bed in the cold night air was the worm in my stomach’s tequila party. All was quiet and I was faced with a dilemma. Did I move and risk waking her back up? If she did wake up, would I have to take her with me to the potty? Was I going to be forced to potty with a grumpy toddler in my lap AGAIN (this happens regularly)? The worm said that I had to make a move.

I used my supermom skills to levitate a half-inch above the floor, thereby avoiding all creaky spots between the bedroom and the bathroom. I held my breath the whole way and then for another couple of minutes in the bathroom. No one moved. No one sighed. I was in the clear.

As I have said before, toddlers are pint-sized versions of Dr. Evil. Giorgie has a double-dose in her. One minute after I sat down on the toilet, she was back up again. Did she call for me? Nope, too easy. Did she call for Papa? Nope, though in her defense, the odds of him getting out of the bed in the middle of the night are so bad even the drunkest Vegas gambler would avoid that one. Oh no, she jumps up like a jack-in-the-box and starts calling for Addy. “AAADDDDDDDDYYYY” “AAAAAADDDDDDDDDDDDYYYYYYYY” I had to tell the fiesta to give everyone a free round of shots and suck it up until morning.

Fast forward to 9am. The kids were finally gone to daycare and I announced last call to the fiesta. One minute after I sat down on the potty, the cat came into the bathroom and jumped into my lap. SERIOUSLY???!? I can’t win in the potty. I must be a mom.