The Nomad Mom Diary

I'm carrying around a LOT of baggage

High Class Problem: Toilet Paper

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Sometimes I have a problem that I know is not a real problem. It is inane and perhaps even nonsensical, but I still want to complain about it anyway. And that is when having a blog comes in handy. I can create a whole series on my high class problems without having to see the look of concern for my sanity on your faces. You can read and judge from the comfort of your home while I can complain in my own and still feel like I am being heard. Everyone wins!

So this will be the first post in my High Class Problems series. And today I want to complain about my toilet paper dilemma.

Why do I have to make a Sophie-esque choice every time I go to buy toilet paper? Is it too much to want a toilet paper that both looks attractive in the bathroom AND doesn’t feel like sandpaper on my hooha? Why do 90% of the toilet paper designs look like they were designed by a 2 year old? Dancing puppies? Pink flowers?

On the opposite end of the spectrum sits the plain white. I know I could buy plain white, but that seems so incredibly boring that my lady parts are shriveling up just thinking about it. Couldn’t we at least have a range of shades? Heck, even a taupe or beige would seem like an improvement at this point.

Complaining over toilet paper designs is the epitome of a high class problem.Having completely abandoned all hope of finding a classy toilet paper, I started buying one that my kids like. The rolls alternate between brightly colored polka dots and fluttering butterflies. Inevitably the kids want the pattern that is not in the bathroom at that moment. Or they are so excited about the one that is there that they use half the roll. It is a four-ply lose/lose situation.

Out of the blue, I walked into a bathroom this week and saw the PERFECT toilet paper sitting on the roll. Silver stars. Sounds cheesy, but was actually super elegant and of course came from M&S. I nearly knocked over the 2 year old I was taking to pee in my haste to go and check it out. The mother&*(*& was 2 ply. 2 plies that were not quilted together and separated with every spin. The disappointment was almost overwhelming.

So my toilet paper problem continues to go on. I’ve heard that Waitrose has a champagne colored roll. I might have to check that out. I figure that disco stars and champagne toilet tissue might help me feel less strange when I’m drinking wine in my secret hiding spot.

Any suggestions?

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Comments

  1. Always keep an all white roll somewhere a guest can easily find while sitting on the toilet! Some people can’t use tp with dye in it. You wouldn’t want to send your guests home with vag blisters (that would be hard to explain to the hubs)!

  2. Having spent the last week using said starred toilet paper, I can vouch that 2 ply sucks. My hooha and touché are still feeling the effects from wiping with sandpaper. I’m not sure I want doggie, flower or starred toilet paper. It just gets shit on it and then you feel bad that you ruined cute little dog face. I’ll keep my white charmin ultra thick thank you very much…my butt thanks me with each wipe.

  3. Omg, vag blisters. That sounds terrible…and I’m sure we haven’t had plain white toilet paper in the house in years. To all prior houseguest – I’m sorry if you suffered any side effects from your visit.

  5. There was pretty toilet paper in the sixties. My American relatives visited us in Alsace and brought a variety of rolls with them. I remember that I enjoyed the flowery patterns so much as a child.
    Alas today, we try to avoid wasting resources and using ink on toilet paper is not exactly a good idea.
    Other gifts back then were a large game of space rockets and cards to reach the moon, and a beautiful tin house with plastic furniture. Good times.