DON’T LOSE 10 POUNDS

Thanks to the Dutch doctor’s complete unwillingness to give me antibiotics, I recently lost 13lbs with a stomach infection. I now find myself down to a svelte weight I haven’t seen since 2001. You would think that I’d have my butt permanently parked in front of the mirror so I could admire my practically nonexistent backside. Well, you’d be wrong. You see, all of those bitches and assholes who constantly harp on you to lose those extra ten pounds conveniently forget to mention the downsides.

I, on the other hand, am a great friend. I am going to pull back the curtains on this weight loss bullshit and tell it like it really it. You do not want to lose those last few pounds. They are your best friend. Since this is so contrary to what everyone else says, I’ll give you some reasons why.

Reasons why you should not lose 10 pounds

1. Newsflash ladies. You know how your post-baby belly button has that “lived in” look? If you lose the extra weight, you might as well post a giant flashing vacancy sign on your mid-section. No more pulling up the pants a bit higher or rocking the maternity jeans. You now have an unsightly flap that has to be carefully and precisely tucked away. If you make a sudden move, you run the risk that it will come flying out and knock out someone across the room. It turns out those last pounds were helping disguise the fact that your thirty-something skin doesn’t have the elasticity of before. So do yourself a favor and eat an extra cookie. “Womanly curves” sound much more appealing than a drooping vag cover.
2. Your clothes don’t fit. Once upon a time shrinking out of your wardrobe would have been a cause for celebration. No so once you have kids. Now all of your pants look like you are wearing a poopy diaper. You *could* go and buy some new ones, but that requires money and time. Do any of you have an overabundance of either or those? I didn’t think so. Go for a second helping and leave the droopy drawers to your toddler.
3. This last reason is perhaps the most concerning. Before I lost the weight, I would hide in the bathroom or closet when changing into my pajamas. Regardless of how much alcohol I had after dinner, I did not want the last thing I heard at night to be “you should go to the gym”. I lost the weight and damned if I am not right back to hiding in the closet. The newfound delineation between my boobs and belly has put a familiar sparkle in my husband’s eyes. When I have spent the whole day running behind two kids without a single second to myself, and when I finally make it up to my precious, comfy bed where I can sit down and not talk to anyone, the LAST thing I want is someone sneaking over and groping me from behind. Heaven help you if you say no! It does not go over well, regardless of how solid your excuses are (Aunt Flo, hairy legs, gassy, etc, I have tried them all). Pour yourself another glass and savor it while sitting all alone.

So there you have it. The glamourous life of a Skinny Minnie is totally overrated once you have had kids. You are better off holding on to the protective layer that fluff is providing.